Kimchi Thoughts

Isn't it funny what brings you back to the blog. It is amazing how the addition of our newest has consumed my time and thoughts. However, tonight I was having kimchi thoughts...so I hopped over to write them down.

My sister and I were recently having a discussion on kimchi. Her boyfriend does not like the smell of kimchi. As a whole, I like kimchi, but I had to agree that I wasn't that fond of the smell that it leaves in my refrigerator...so, I just make sure I eat it when I have it. Anyhow, during our conversation, my oldest son had to add his two cents (as usual). "I don't like kimchi," he told us. This is true. I have a picture of him trying kimchi for the first time and it's priceless. I think we teased him about being very "un-Korean-like" or something like that and he just made faces at us and ran off to play.

So, nearly two weeks later (both boys are asleep), I find myself with time to think and for some reason the kimchi conversation popped into my head. From there, I started to think about when I started liking kimchi. Then I started thinking about when I tried kimchi for the first time. I can vaguely remember going to a Korea-American picnic when I was an early teen and refusing to try it and my next clear memory of kimchi was when I was well into adulthood. In fact, I think it was shortly before we adopted our oldest son. Someone once told me that I must like kimchi because of my Korean genes. Really?

He tried kimchi, I remind myself. Why must he like it? My mother's family is Irish. Does that mean she has to know how to dance the Irish jig? Well, actually, she does know how to dance the Irish jig...that's not the point. I like kimchi. I hate mushrooms. I love pasta. Am I Italian? Or, am I just hungry and in desperate need of sleep?

Bottom line, just because we were born in Korea does not mean we have to love all things Korean. I'm going to guess that even people who do live in Korea don't love all things Korean. So, no more "un-Korean-like" statements from me. He's who he needs to be and that's what is important.

Adoption Language

I will start this post by telling everyone that I am not someone who is overly sensitive when people outside the adoption community use terms that can be considered negative. We all hear them...words like "real parents" and "you couldn't have your own child" pop up with regularity. I am much more likely to take offense at the tone then I am to the words. A lot of times people say the words without any malicious intent. Quite frankly, if I took offense every time I heard them I would be a very unhappy and bitter person. So, I listen to the tone and temper my response accordingly.

With that said, I ran across another adoptive parent the other day. I approached her (which is not normal for me at all) and explained that I was adopted and asked if her son was too. He was and we talked. She proceeded to tell me that she "couldn't have children of her own" and they had turned to adoption. I understood the intent. I don't believe that those words meant she doesn't love her son. However, I couldn't help but wince a little at the words. Quite frankly, I was so astounded to hear it from an adoptive parent that I couldn't even form a response. What if her son heard her say that she couldn't have "one of her own" and misinterpreted the statement?

I think that it is important that adoptive parents do their research. Our agency gave us article after article about what phrases can be considered negative. We went to classes and we learned it again. I'll be one of the first to say that I think some of the "positive" adoption language is bordering on "sappy"; however, it's still important to be educated. While I have quite a bit of patience for the non-adoption world, I am afraid that I don't have much for those of us who are immersed in the culture. I am not worried that some random person or acquaintance will get the wrong idea. I am worried that the children will get the wrong idea.

Paperwork is Good?

Sometimes, I think that adoption paperwork is a plot against trees. Everytime I think I'm done, I'm printing out more papers to sign and mail back to one location or another. However, I print those papers without a second thought.

I know I've talked about it before, but it's high in my mind again because we're going through the process again. Recently, someone told me that they don't think it's fair that we have to jump through so many hoops to adopt when someone who chooses to have a child biologically doesn't.

Despite my frustration with the never ending forms, I still have to disagree with that statement. Being a parent is not easy. Why should becoming a parent be easy? If someone is able to make it through the endless months of paperwork, waiting, more paperwork, more waiting...they must really want to be a parent. Right? Okay, not always, but I would guess that many a parent has changed his/her mind somewhere in the process.

Perhaps if everyone had to "jump through hoops" before becoming a parent we would have less children waiting for homes.

So, I will swallow my complaints and complete my paperwork. I don't think I'll go as far as saying paperwork is good, but I will say that adoption should not be easy.

What Did You Tell Your Child's Teacher?

As my son transitioned to public school this year, I realized that I needed to inform his teachers that he was adopted. Up until this point, he’s been in the same center and they knew. I considered just letting it go, but here is why I didn’t…

Part of being a parent, is trying to stay in front of the issues. It doesn’t always work the way I want it to, but I definitely make the effort. I don’t believe that a teacher should change their lesson plans because my son is adopted, but I want her to be aware that projects can create potentially awkward questions.

When I was in elementary school, I had a project where we were supposed to bring a baby pictures to school and everyone was supposed to guess who the baby in the picture was. I was one of the few minorities (much less Asians) in the whole school district. It was not hard to figure out who I was in the picture and I remember that I was disappointed that everyone guessed me right away. I wasn't mad or upset, but I was definitely disappointed.

Another time, we had to tell where we were born. The teacher was putting pins in a map of the United States to show all the different places that people came from. It was harmless, except that I wasn’t born in the United States. As a child, I thrived on my differences. I loved to explain to people that I was born in Seoul, South Korea and adopted in the United States, but I can imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t like explaining your adoption.

Personally, I don’t want the teacher to change their plans. As a parent of an adopted child, I look at these projects as an opportunity to talk to my son about his adoption. So, I told my son’s teacher about his adoption for two reasons…(1) I wanted her to be aware. It only hurts my son if she is taken by surprise. (2) I want to be aware of projects that might create issues before they are given. It hurts all of us if my husband and I are not prepared for the discussion.

Forced Back to the Blog

2009 has not been a great year for my family. My attention has been entirely on my family and I have not had much time to sit down and write. It's a shame, because I really enjoy it. However, my son has started public school this September and I had a conversation with him that sparked my need to write.

He came home and we were talking. He told me, "I know Chinese." He proceeded to talk in gibberish. I had been expecting this. I remember it from when I was in school. I explained to him that if you don't really know the language and you pretend to know the language you are making fun of people. I told him that some people do it just to make fun of people and it isn't nice. "But why do they do it?" He asked.

Why? Some people do it because they don't know any better. Some people do it to be mean. Some people do it because they don't like people who look different.

My friend and I were talking this weekend and I told her..."I was ready, but I wasn't ready." Does that make sense. I lived it and I knew that there was a good possibility that I would have these conversations, but there was still the part of me that hoped I wouldn't have to.

The most important questions that I asked though were "Do you like it when people make fun of you?" and "Are you going to continue to do it?"

Did My Race and Ethnicity Affect My Values?

As I was completing my paperwork for our adoption, I came across this question. Did my race and ethnicity affect my values? My knee jerk reaction was to say no, but then I thought about it for a second and realized that this was not a yes or no answer.

For the most part, my values have been shaped by my family and the important people around me. As I grew older, I watched what they did and decided what made sense and I emulated the people that I respected. Race and ethnicity really didn’t play into my decisions.

However, I do realize that being a minority did have a lot to do with how I viewed other people. My parents taught me that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that we judge people by their actions (not because of the way they look, what they believe in, etc…). I was treated differently because I was a Korean adoptee and I didn’t like it all. I didn’t like that people assume that I should be a certain way just because of how I looked. Therefore, I make an extra effort not to do the same things to others.

It always amazes me when a minority expresses a stereotype about another minority or shows prejudice based on assumptions. I have a hard time understanding how someone who has been slapped in the face with prejudice can turn around and slap someone else (Black v. Asian, Asian v. Hispanic, Hispanic v. Native American, etc…). I am not perfect. I find myself jumping to conclusions, but I am aware of the problem and I try very hard not to react to these unsubstantiated conclusions. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to step back and look at the facts. I remind myself to never say the word “all” when talking about people because it never applies. All Asians are not Chinese. All Arabic people are not Muslim. All Muslims are not terrorists. All Black people are not gang members. All Hispanic people are not illegal residents.

So, yes, I think that my race and ethnicity did affect my values and the way I value people. I hope that as my children grow older, they look to emulate some of my values and, hopefully, they can take them a step farther.

The Little Chinese Lady

A vendor made a delivery to my office the other day and handed it to my co-worker. “Make sure this gets to the little Chinese lady,” he said. “I didn’t correct him,” she said. “I didn’t think it was worth it.” It probably wasn’t. Never mind that I’m not Chinese and don’t understand why the “little” comment was necessary in the first place.

However, the comment served to remind me how many times I use unnecessary labels when talking about someone. Looking at my own habits, most of the time that I use a label (Black, White, short, skinny, over weight, etc…) it adds no real meaning to the story. If I’m retelling the above story, would it have really mattered if I had said that it was a balding, Black man who made the comment? It wasn’t by the way…that was just an example.

I challenge everyone to really listen to what you say and what other people say. How many times do you add a label to a story or comment that doesn’t really need to be there? How often do the people around you do the same thing? Labels are often divisive, even when the person who is using it doesn’t mean to be divisive. I’m stepping off my soap box now and moving on…

Independence Day and Dual Citizenship

Okay, I’m a week or so late, but I’ve been working on this post in my head for awhile. The fourth of July is a big deal in my family. Partly, I think it’s because the males in my family enjoy fire and exploding things…but we females seem to be just as enthralled. We ran the whole gambit – fireworks, picnics and parades.

What does this have to do with Korean adoption? As a history major who leaned heavily towards United States history, I do tend to remember that there is a larger significance to fourth of July celebrations than just parties and explosives. I identify as a citizen of the United States. I am a naturalized citizen. I stood in the courtroom and waved my flag. My parent repeated my oath and I shook hands with the judge.

So, I am having a hard time relating to the Korean adoptees who are currently petitioning for the right to have dual citizenship in Korea. A part of me wants to sign their petition so that they can achieve what they want and be happy. However, a part of me is reluctant to sign a petition that I really don’t have any interest in. The result of my confusion is that I spend long hours talking to myself and (unfortunately) I don’t seem to be able to answer myself.

It’s not that I’m against Korean adoptees having the right to have to dual citizenship. I know other people who have dual citizenship with other countries. My dilemma is that I’m feeling crisscrossed loyalties right now. For any other petition, I won’t sign it if I don’t feel 100% confident that I agree with it and that I walk the talk. In this case, I can honestly say that I have no problem with it, but I would definitely not walk the talk.

Unfortunately, writing this post has not helped me make a decision. So, I suspect that I have more long hours of talking to myself in the near future.

For Korean adoptees who are interested in dual citizenship, check out http://goal.or.kr/eng/.

Phase Two – The Big Big Application

Well, it’s official – phase two has officially begun. I sent a request to our adoption agency to mail us the full application packet. The long process for kid #2 is about to begin. I had forgotten how many pieces of paper are required. It’s amazing how four years can skew your recollection of the events. I remember now! Birth certificates, copies of documents, letters of recommendation, biographies…Ugh!

• Requested the full application packet.
• Scheduled my doctor’s appointment.
• Began the agonizing process of deciding who to ask for a letter of recommendation.

The positive side for this blog is that adoption will be a much bigger part of my life now so I’ll probably have more topics to write about.

Dancing

On one of the message boards, someone was asking about bonding activities. The parent was saying that she didn’t feel like she was bonding because her new child was so active. Everyone who responded had good suggestions – peek-a-boo, swimming, etc…

My son was younger when he arrived and he wasn’t mobile. I carried him around in my sling a lot, so I didn’t have the bonding problems, but I still tried to do things where we were together. So, I danced. It’s pretty funny since I have two left feet and no rhythm, but we danced and danced. Sometimes he was in my sling and sometimes I just held him, but we danced. I turned on the music. We swayed, twirled and dipped.

It was perfect for everyone. My very active boy thought it was an excellent game and it was something that we could do together. There was much laughter and smiles. It wasn’t bad exercise either. Hey, it was a two in one.

Why Don’t They Understand?

***Special Note - I was in a really bad mood when I wrote this post. In fact, I saved it and didn't post it because I knew that I was in a bad mood. I was mad at other adoptees for blaming their adoption for all of their problems and I was made at parents for blaming adoption for all of their problems. What I really wanted people to do was take some responsibility for their own actions and reactions. However, I've decided to post it anyway and just ask that people remember that I was in a bad mood when I wrote it.***

On one of my boards, a discussion was started by an adoptee upset by her parent’s lack of understanding. It made me think a little about understanding. Often, in these conversations (no matter what part of the triangle you are from) you hear the question, “Why don’t they understand?”

Here is my question…why do we expect them to understand? Why does an adoptive parent expect that their adoptee understand their insecurities? Why does the adoptee expect their parents to understand their identity crisis? Why does a birth parent expect their child to respect their privacy? The questions go on and on and on…

Why do they have to understand? I often evaluate a situation from a non-adoption point of view so that I can better understand the adoption situation. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to distance yourself a little from the emotional topic.

I have a friend who will never understand my political leanings. I believe that how I act or how I fail to act will make me less of a person. Who I am has a lot to do with what I believe. Would it be nice if she understood where I was coming from? Yes. Should her lack of belief send me into an uncontrolled tailspin? No. Can I accept that she doesn’t understand? Yes. Does she try to change who I am? No. Can I continue to be who I am? Yes.

Sometimes, I think that we have unreasonable expectations for our family because they are such an important part of our lives. We are unit, so shouldn’t we think as a unit? Shouldn’t they understand and support everything that we do…that we think? Wouldn't life be boring that way?

Personally, I hate it when someone tells me that they understand when I know (without a doubt) that they will never really understand. Haven't you ever had a similar experience - adoption or non-adoption oriented?

I don’t think that it will always be possible for me and my son to have perfect understanding. We are two different people. We are separated by gender, generations and life experiences. We’re both adopted…big deal. It has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with human nature. I hope that some day when my son is going through teenage crisis, middle age crisis or general every day crisis… that he will not look at me and assume that I don't care. I hope that he will look at me and know that sometimes I just won’t be able to understand – I won’t have the same life experiences to walk in his shoes. But like my parents were there for me, I hope he knows that I’ll be there when he takes that walk.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Three cheers for the internet. I have been trying to decide what to do with my hair. It’s a very complicated process because I have a tendency to pick something and hold onto it with both hands. When it comes to hair, change does not come easily to me. I can be easily talked out of anything that I decide to do.

Anyhow, I’ve been haunting the internet lately looking at different styles. I went to Google, typed in “Korean Hair Styles” and I received lists of sites to visit. Isn’t that something? Truthfully, there isn’t much difference between Korean hair styles and American hair styles, but what I really wanted to see is what they looked like with Korean faces.

Perhaps my hair trauma comes from the fact that I spent most of my youth looking at hair styles with Caucasian faces and no real way to visualize how they would look with my face shape and coloring. If I had been blessed with the world wide web, I might have avoided a couple of pretty terrible mistakes – the spiral perm being the one that jumps right out at me.

Anyhow, I have made a decision and an appointment with the salon. However, I’m not telling anyone (including my mother) what I’m going to do. One negative sound (whether it’s actual or perceived) will send me back to the status quo. As my friend reminded me, hair will grow out.

The Ultimate Abandonment

I was having one of those deep thought-provoking conversations with my mother the other day. It always seems to me that we are either having the gossip catch-up conversations or the “oh my gosh” you’re going to make me think conversations.

Anyhow, we know a Korean adoptee who has an almost irrational fear of people dying. In particular, she fears her parents dying. The sight of gray hair or an occasional lapse in memory makes her assume the onset of Alzheimer’s or death. I have my own hang-ups, but I was having a hard time understanding why she had gone this particular path. My mother wrapped it up in a nice neat package. Death is the ultimate abandonment.

Abandonment issues are something that many adoptees go through. For adoptees who have not come to terms with the loss of their birth family, the loss of their adopted family must seem that much more terrifying.

So, once again, I have been forced to wonder what makes me different. Will my son be like me or will my son have his own abandonment issues. Perhaps some of the difference lies in the information. I was truly a found baby, left in a public place with no note or history. Therefore, to me, my birth family has little substance…they lack the reality that I attribute to my parents, sister, husband, son… However, Korean adoptees today are coming with information about their birth families. They are real people, with names, occupations and dreams. I suspect that this is why I am much more interested in my son’s birth parents than I am in my own.

My mother used to tell me about my birth parents all the time. Though we didn't know anything about them, she made sure that they were a part of my life. She used to tell me that she knew in her heart that they loved me and that they had done what they thought was best for me because they loved me. Maybe that was the key to why I didn't have strong abandonment feelings?

Once again, I am back to wishing there was a magic handbook for parents with adopted children. I really don't know how my parents did it. I suspect that I can analyze why and why not forever and I will never have a definitive answer. It all comes down to the individual. All I can do is watch my son, do my best and wait for the answers to hit me on the head.

I’ve always believed that parents have to be careful about attributing every problem to adoption. Adoption brings its own problems, but often growing up brings just as many. We have to walk that fine line of watching for adoption-related issues, but not always assuming that adoption is the root of all problems.

Preliminary Application

It’s done and I’m still breathing normally. I completed our preliminary application and submitted it over the web. We have officially started the process for our second child.

Now, I have only a few issues to worry about. First, the process has already slowed down quite a bit in 2007 because of the new laws in Korea. Second, the newest news stories have not been showing the adoption process in the best of lights. Finally, I still have to worry about cutting costs in our household to make sure we have the money by the time the referral comes.

We had not planned to submit our preliminary application this early. We had actually planned to do it towards the end of 2008. However, when we asked at our adoption agencies holiday party, they suggested that we do it now. That’s how much slower the process is taking right now.

So, while there is a certain amount of excitement behind this step. I have resigned myself to a long wait.

Educating Teachers?

Margie from the Thirdmom blog wrote an essay and republished it to the Anti-Racist Parent site and I thought it deserved to be passed on. It also reminded me (once again) how different adoptees can be and how different adoptive parents can be as well. The essay is about helping teachers understand adoption and adoption language.

I honestly don’t recall what my parents did. Truthfully, I’m not sure they did anything. My parents were pretty well known in the community and just about everyone knew that I was adopted. I was also one of a half dozen minorities in the school district so it wasn’t hard to pinpoint who was who. To tell you the truth, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with my son either. I’m probably going to ask him what he wants me to do. I’m big on that…because I know how differently I reacted to things from how my sister reacted.

I broadcasted my adopted status to whoever would listen…teachers and fellow students alike. To me, it was like a “badge of honor” and it made me special. There are many essays out in the internet world about not making it the child’s responsibility to educate others about their adoption. I agree with that and I disagree with that. Once again, I think you have to know your child. I thrived on it. There were times that I got tired of answering the same questions and a little annoyed that people thought they had the right to the answers. I think that’s natural…but I liked having the answers.

Margie wrote, “One thing we DON’T want to do is give teachers the impression that individual children should be singled out for alternative assignments.” While I would have stood up and given a lecture about adoption, my sister would have been horrified. I also think she would have been upset if my parents had tried to educate her teachers. My sister’s goal was to be as much like everyone else as possible. She didn’t want to answer questions or be singled out. I think that she would have been horrified if she thought there was even the potential that her teacher was even thinking about adoption. It wasn’t really that my sister didn’t want to be adopted (she was fine with that part). She just didn’t want everyone to think about it first.

I liked this article, because it’s about being prepared. I think all parents (adoptive or not) should try to be prepared. A lot of times, people don’t think beyond the sweet babies that look at you and see the center of their universe. Sometimes, I think parents are too sensitive and I wonder who is more upset by an issue – the parent or the adoptee. However, I think that there is a healthy medium that can be followed.

I read these articles, essays, posts, etc… to remind myself that I have to think outside the box. It never would have occurred to me to educate a teacher because:

1. I never needed my parents to do it.
2. My sister would have rebelled.
3. Talk about family trees/histories never bothered me in school.
4. If I heard any negative references to adoption, they never registered.
5. Etc…

Label Sensitivity

Awhile back, I realized how label happy I was. When telling a story, I felt it necessary to describe the people in the story – the Black woman, the Asian man, the Jewish family, etc.... Now, I try really hard not to describe people unless it is necessary to the story. After Virginia Tech, I was pretty concerned by the fact that the media felt it necessary to constantly preface that Cho was from South Korea and I worried about the repercussions.

I’m not writing this post as a slap to those people who use labels as a way to divide people. I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself that I have to take a step back. The other day, I took my son to one of those big indoor play areas. He immediately started playing with a little girl his age. The father was on the phone with his wife and I heard him say, “She’s having a lot of fun. She’s playing with a little boy.”

There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything that he was saying, so why was I tense? I was waiting for him to tell his wife that his daughter was playing with “the little Asian boy.” Of course, he didn’t, but I was prepared to call my husband and complain about the evils of labeling. It is easy to fall into this negative world (both adoptees and parents of adoptees) where you automatically expect the worst.

So, this is a reminder to me - relax, think positive, and smile.

On Common Bonds…

I took a short unexpected hiatus. Before my son’s arrival, my husband and I were pretty boring people. We stayed at home most weekends. Now, it seems like we have multiple somethings going on each weekend and most week days. To top it off, I’ve signed my son up for soccer (at his request) and I’m contemplating swimming lessons. I’m having a hard time remembering the “boring” days, but I am thinking of them fondly at the moment.

Anyhow, I have meant to respond to a comment on my earlier post. The commenter was mentioning the fact that adoption is not always enough to bind adoptive parents together. I agree one hundred percent. It’s also not enough to bind adoptees together.

I’ve always believed that having a common bond can bring people together, but it takes more than just one common bond to keep people together. People have mentioned the fact that I don’t have any friends who are Korean adoptees and I currently don’t have any friends who have adopted Korean adoptees. I have acquaintances who are Korean adoptees and parents of Korean adoptees. I enjoy their company, but they aren’t on the same level as friends. I wrote about it before (but I can’t remember when or where) because everyone always seems to think that Korean adoptees should automatically be friends (thus the playgroups and the multitude of get togethers). It’s like saying that all people with blond hair and blue eyes should be friends.

I met my friend C on the first day of college. We were assigned as roommates. We had an instant connection. On the surface, we were very different – blond hair v. black hair, blue eyes v. brown eyes, etc… On the inside, we are also very different – politics, religion, etc… However, we enjoy each other’s company and none of the differences matter. That is a common bond.

So, my general opinion is it never hurts to throw yourself into situations where you will meet other adoptees and parents of adoptees, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t find a connection. I know I don’t.

Lawn Mowers and Childhood Development

Our lawn mower decided to give up last week. My husband was mowing the lawn, my son was watching him from my bedroom window and I was checking my e-mail when we all heard the same sound. It was an indescribable shrill metal sound that ended in complete silence. My son phrased it best – uh oh.

Off we went to the mall to buy a new lawn mower. In our effort to become more and more green, we bought an electric mower, instead of gas. According to the sales representative, they are more durable than the gas mowers and they are much quieter. We haven’t actually taken it out of the box yet, but I’ll let you know when we do.

Anyhow, what does this have to do with childhood development? While my husband was trying to choose a mower, my son and I went to the kid’s play area. I like the one at our mall because there is only one exit. I can easily station myself at the entrance and make sure he can’t escape.

Recently, I have noticed that my son is becoming more and more self-aware. He talks about us being Korean and he points to other Asian people and calls them Korean. (I don’t have enough energy to try and explain the multitude of Asian nations yet. We’ll do that later.) For the most part, in his world, you are either Korean or you’re not Korean.

We walked into the play area and there were kids running everywhere. He took off his shoes and took off running before I had even taken a seat. Suddenly, he came running back. “What’s wrong?” I asked. He looked puzzled. “Mama, why are all the peoples Black?” I was stunned. I looked around and sure enough all of the kids in the play area happened to be Black. “That’s just the way it is today,” I told him. He shrugged his shoulders and took off running again, leaving me to contemplate when he had developed to this new stage.

My Thoughts on Korean Holidays

Everyone is always asking me if I celebrate the Korean holidays. When I go to Korean adoption gatherings, it’s always one of the first questions other parents ask me. I always feel a little awkward when I answer, because I generally feel the disapproval radiating from them as they walk away.

I generally don’t. No one is to blame for this phenomenon. My parents would have helped me do whatever I needed to do, but I really don’t feel comfortable celebrating Korean holidays. I like to study Korean holidays and learn what they are all about, but I don’t celebrate them. Some tell me that if my parents had done a better job at educating me when I was younger, I wouldn’t feel this way…but, I’m afraid that I’m going to disagree.

I have always believed that I am lucky. I was raised with a wealth of culture…American, Irish, German, Korean, a little bit of Scottish thrown in…and a healthy respect for all cultures. It’s been my longstanding belief that I am lucky because I don’t have to choose one culture. I don’t think that it’s necessary to choose one culture over another. Over the years, I believe that I have chosen a culture that is uniquely my own.

It is my respect for culture and the Korean culture that keeps me from celebrating Korean holidays on a regular basis and, when I do, I am very careful about how I present myself. I am who I am and I can’t change that…nor do I want to. For me, it seems disrespectful for me to celebrate a holiday that I don’t truly feel a connection to…it’s like I’m playing at being something that I’m not and that’s not what those holidays are about. For the same reason I would never celebrate Kwanza or Chanukah, I don’t choose to celebrate Korean holidays.

I am aware that there are Korean adoptees that have incorporated Korean culture into their own unique culture. They feel a connection and they celebrate with their hearts. I applaud them and I am glad that they have found what they are looking for. I just have to remind myself that I can’t lose my identity because someone else tells me that I’ve gone down the wrong path. Despite what people tell me, I haven’t lost anything. On the contrary, I have gained everything.

Three Years Ago...

Three years ago today, my son arrived from Korea. I reminded my son about it this morning. He looked a little confused. I was trying to explain that today was the anniversary of his arrival, but we’re having some problems understanding the concept of yesterday, today and tomorrow. It’s really not easy to explain and close to impossible for a three year old to truly understand. Besides, he was too excited about a picture of race cars that I brought home from work.

I had considered taking cupcakes or something like that to school today for his class, but I decided against it for two reasons. One, I’m not sure how my son is going to react to adoption when he’s older. There is a chance that he won’t want his adoption broadcasted to everyone and their second cousin – it might be more of a private matter to him. We won’t know for another couple of years. Second, I’ve been doing my best to make sure that his arrival day doesn’t become another birthday. Arrival day should be about family and our goal is to do something as a family to celebrate. My husband is desperate to buy him a toy (because he wants the toy), but I keep reminding him to stay strong.

So, we’re off to the zoo again, tomorrow. We’ve celebrated at the zoo every year so far. Next year, he can choose where he wants to go, but this year he was picking some wild locations so I chose for him. The goal has been to keep it just us (myself, my husband and my son); however, this year he demanded that my sister come as well. My son worships the ground that his Aunt C walks on. It seemed right since my sister is also adopted from Korea and then she invited my parents. So, our small outing has gotten a little bigger.