What We Don't Know

I had forgotten how busy a small person can keep you. I had thought that I would be able to write more while I was off on leave (due to the arrival of my son), but I soon came to realize that time is not something I have to spare. I had become spoiled by my six year old son's independence.

Today, however, I found myself thinking about what I don't know. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot that I don't know, but that's what makes me human. Fortunately, my thoughts were a little more grounded in the adoption world and didn't take me out to all the other things that I can't possibly know.

I do know basics about our newest arrival. I know basics about his birth parents and I have medical history since he was born. I know that he had a foster mother who loved him and took very good care of him - you can see it in the pictures and the video. I know how many bottles he had every day and if he took naps.

What I don't know speaks volumes. I don't know exactly what his birth mother was thinking when she made the decision to place him up for adoption. I don't know if his foster mother held him when he woke up at night or if she patted him on the back and sang him a song. I don't know about his extended Korean family or if they even know that he is here. I don't know if he has his birth mother's eyes or his birth father's hair.

I realize that I have more information for both of my children than my parents had. For me, they didn't even have my exact birth date. They knew the basics about what had happened since I had been found, but they had no names to think about when they thought about my birth parents or information about their families.

So, I am happy that I have as much as I do, but I also find myself dwelling on what I don't know. Every time my son can't do something, I wonder if it's because no one asked him to do it before or if it's common in his birth parents' family. It's funny, I didn't go here with my first son. Perhaps, with him, I had too many other concerns. This is new for me and interesting.

With both of my boys, I had hoped that they would come home with a letter from their birth mothers (or birth fathers). Our social worker had told us that it is happening more often. I know that contact scares some adoptive parents, but I keep thinking about all of the things that I don't know and I wish I had it.

Welcome 2010

I am looking forward to 2010. 2009 was not my favorite year, but I like to remind myself that there are reasons for everything and I hope that the lessons have been learned. For sure, nothing will be the same.

The end of 2009 did bring new things. It brought us to a new spot in our second adoption. We received our referral for a little boy and now we are waiting for all of the various pieces to fall into place. I am doing my best not to become too excited. There are too many factors that have to happen and months to wait for a travel call. I know the process and I know that there are sudden pitfalls. After all, my parents had to go their congressman to get my visa completed. However, with the onset of the new year, I do finally feel like we are in the final countdown. It's a nice feeling.

Homestudy: Part One

Our first homestudy visit was Friday. It puts us one step closer to the end. Our social worker confirmed that it could be twelve months before we receive a referral. I suspected this was the case, based on the reports I was reading on the website, but it still didn’t making hearing it fun.

When I talk to people, I am always amazed at how frightened prospective parents are of their homestudy. With our first son, I didn’t go through this fear because I had done it when my sister was adopted. I thought my sister’s social worker was going to be a cross between Zeus and Hercules. She held all the power. I was sure that if I didn’t come off as the perfect child, she would deny me a baby sister. Because my parents remained so active in the adoption community and they became good friends with my sister’s social worker, I had lost most of my anxiety with the process by the time I started my own.

This time was pretty relaxed. We have the same social worker so we didn’t have to get used to someone new. I told our social worker that I’m going to miss the homestudy process. We told my son that she was coming and he cleaned his room without complaint. We’re talking spotless.

Our second visit will be in about a week and then the waiting game begins. It’s absolutely amazing how much of the adoption process is waiting.

Return From The Land of the Mouse

We have returned from our trip to Disney World and fun was had by all. However, with our return has come the realization that I still have a lot left to do to complete our adoption application. Prior to the trip, I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything except the trip.

To my horror, I’ve realized that all of the people we asked to do references have returned their letters and the agency hasn’t received any part of the packet from us yet. I have quite a bit done, but not enough. I haven’t procrastinated this badly since I was in college and avoiding the thought of the next big exam. I was so organized the first time and I can’t even claim partial organization now.

My friend who has three children says that this is normal. She said she prepared for her first, never got completely organized for the second and the third was hopeless. I suspect that most of it stems from the fact that you have less time once you have a child in your home that needs your undivided attention.

For those of you going through the process for the first time, do as I say and not what I do (or something like that). It made me feel better to be organized and send things as I could. Once I sent it, I felt like I was accomplishing something. I made checklists, I scanned everything (for just in case) and my life was much calmer.

The Physical

Saturday, I went to the doctor's office for my blood tests and the TB test. One more step towards adoption number two. Thursday, I have my physical.

Questions & Answers

I’ve been working diligently on writing my autobiography for our second adoption. They gave us a list of questions and I need to write my answers. One of the things that I’ve heard potential adoptive parents worry about is giving the right answers. They don’t like it very much when I tell them there isn’t one right answer. I suspect there are some very wrong answers, but for a large part your answers are telling them about you and how you will work through the adoption process. Just because one answer doesn’t match anyone else’s answer doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means you are different and being different is a fundamental truth in international adoption. It’s better to get used to it now.

Phase Two – The Big Big Application

Well, it’s official – phase two has officially begun. I sent a request to our adoption agency to mail us the full application packet. The long process for kid #2 is about to begin. I had forgotten how many pieces of paper are required. It’s amazing how four years can skew your recollection of the events. I remember now! Birth certificates, copies of documents, letters of recommendation, biographies…Ugh!

• Requested the full application packet.
• Scheduled my doctor’s appointment.
• Began the agonizing process of deciding who to ask for a letter of recommendation.

The positive side for this blog is that adoption will be a much bigger part of my life now so I’ll probably have more topics to write about.

Quick Update on our Adoption Process

On my previous post, it was asked how our adoption process was going. Now that I am through March (I can’t believe it’s almost April!) and we are done worshipping the bunny, I feel confident in replying.

Awhile back, I announced that we had put through our preliminary application to adopt our second child. We had been warned that our names wouldn’t come up until around October. So, it was a big surprise when we were told in February that we had reached the top of the list and that we could begin the formal application process. Unfortunately, we had to put the process on hold, because we weren’t ready for it this early for a number of reasons – being financially ready is one of the biggest.

I had a week of depression where I didn’t really want to talk about it at all, but then I remembered what I tell other people all the time. Though the waiting process is rough, it is a part of the process and life is too wonderful to waste it on the bad thoughts. Besides, we promised my son a trip to Disney World before he becomes a big brother and we plan to keep our promise. I bought the tickets last week.

Preliminary Application

It’s done and I’m still breathing normally. I completed our preliminary application and submitted it over the web. We have officially started the process for our second child.

Now, I have only a few issues to worry about. First, the process has already slowed down quite a bit in 2007 because of the new laws in Korea. Second, the newest news stories have not been showing the adoption process in the best of lights. Finally, I still have to worry about cutting costs in our household to make sure we have the money by the time the referral comes.

We had not planned to submit our preliminary application this early. We had actually planned to do it towards the end of 2008. However, when we asked at our adoption agencies holiday party, they suggested that we do it now. That’s how much slower the process is taking right now.

So, while there is a certain amount of excitement behind this step. I have resigned myself to a long wait.