When is it my responsibility?

At work, a part of my job is to talk about harassment. I stand in front of new employees and remind them that harassment is more than just the big things...it's also in the subtle things that we do. It could be an off hand comment that you make to the person next to you, the joke that you tell, the phone conversation that you're having with your girlfriend. When it's done at work, it isn't private. I am not trying to change your beliefs, I tell them. I'm just telling you to keep it at home.

I am not the type of person that jumps up and yells racism at every comment. In fact, sometimes, I think I am far too slow to react. I have never been a person that enjoys attention and there are times where I let things slide just to avoid the inevitable confrontation. It's something I'm working on, but I suspect that if I am not comfortable in the spotlight yet...I'll probably never get there.

One of my family members (who happens to be Caucasian) is always very quick to jump on the racism bandwagon. Truthfully, I don't think that's good either. Sometimes, a comment or an action, though directed at a minority, is not meant to be racist. When people jump to racism first, I think it damages the fight against racism. It makes the actual instances of racism seem less important.

So, when is it my responsibility?

I know that I am responsible for my own actions. There are times that I have rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and kept them in my head because I realized that I was making a judgement based on stereotypes or news broadcasts. I try very hard to make sure that I think about what I say about other people before I put it into words. Sometimes, even the most good intentioned statement can sound wrong when it is spoken out loud. As a minority that has had these comments directed at me (both the bold and the subtle), it will hurt a part of me to know that I have turned that type of hate on someone else...whether the difference is racial, ethnicity, religious, sexual orientation...

I know that I am responsible for teaching my children what I believe is right. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being too sensitive to what my son brings home to school. I recently explained to him why pretending to stutter was making fun of people and assured him that by pretending to speak another language some people might thinking he was mocking them. But no, my responsibility is not the other children, but explaining to my children why I don't think certain behaviors are okay. I can't stop the way other people believe (though I can hope they will open up their hearts and minds), but I can keep it out of my house. That is definitely my responsibility.

Forced Back to the Blog

2009 has not been a great year for my family. My attention has been entirely on my family and I have not had much time to sit down and write. It's a shame, because I really enjoy it. However, my son has started public school this September and I had a conversation with him that sparked my need to write.

He came home and we were talking. He told me, "I know Chinese." He proceeded to talk in gibberish. I had been expecting this. I remember it from when I was in school. I explained to him that if you don't really know the language and you pretend to know the language you are making fun of people. I told him that some people do it just to make fun of people and it isn't nice. "But why do they do it?" He asked.

Why? Some people do it because they don't know any better. Some people do it to be mean. Some people do it because they don't like people who look different.

My friend and I were talking this weekend and I told her..."I was ready, but I wasn't ready." Does that make sense. I lived it and I knew that there was a good possibility that I would have these conversations, but there was still the part of me that hoped I wouldn't have to.

The most important questions that I asked though were "Do you like it when people make fun of you?" and "Are you going to continue to do it?"

Did My Race and Ethnicity Affect My Values?

As I was completing my paperwork for our adoption, I came across this question. Did my race and ethnicity affect my values? My knee jerk reaction was to say no, but then I thought about it for a second and realized that this was not a yes or no answer.

For the most part, my values have been shaped by my family and the important people around me. As I grew older, I watched what they did and decided what made sense and I emulated the people that I respected. Race and ethnicity really didn’t play into my decisions.

However, I do realize that being a minority did have a lot to do with how I viewed other people. My parents taught me that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that we judge people by their actions (not because of the way they look, what they believe in, etc…). I was treated differently because I was a Korean adoptee and I didn’t like it all. I didn’t like that people assume that I should be a certain way just because of how I looked. Therefore, I make an extra effort not to do the same things to others.

It always amazes me when a minority expresses a stereotype about another minority or shows prejudice based on assumptions. I have a hard time understanding how someone who has been slapped in the face with prejudice can turn around and slap someone else (Black v. Asian, Asian v. Hispanic, Hispanic v. Native American, etc…). I am not perfect. I find myself jumping to conclusions, but I am aware of the problem and I try very hard not to react to these unsubstantiated conclusions. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to step back and look at the facts. I remind myself to never say the word “all” when talking about people because it never applies. All Asians are not Chinese. All Arabic people are not Muslim. All Muslims are not terrorists. All Black people are not gang members. All Hispanic people are not illegal residents.

So, yes, I think that my race and ethnicity did affect my values and the way I value people. I hope that as my children grow older, they look to emulate some of my values and, hopefully, they can take them a step farther.

Race: Front and Center

I am very interested to see how the dialogue on race is shaped in the coming days. The election of Barack Obama has really brought racial issues front and center. No matter what your political leanings are, if you are a part of the Korean adoption circle, race has to matter.

If we can get past the petty bickering, this has the potential to be a moment of positive change. When I say petty, I mean the news reports where they show one man or woman making a racial remark and they play it over and over and over again. I know that people say them. I know that some people mean them and I know that some people don’t realize the insult behind the words. Pointing at these people and blaming them for all of the problems of the world won’t fix the problems. I hope that we will be able to use this opportunity to have meaningful dialogue and move forward.