The Ultimate Abandonment

I was having one of those deep thought-provoking conversations with my mother the other day. It always seems to me that we are either having the gossip catch-up conversations or the “oh my gosh” you’re going to make me think conversations.

Anyhow, we know a Korean adoptee who has an almost irrational fear of people dying. In particular, she fears her parents dying. The sight of gray hair or an occasional lapse in memory makes her assume the onset of Alzheimer’s or death. I have my own hang-ups, but I was having a hard time understanding why she had gone this particular path. My mother wrapped it up in a nice neat package. Death is the ultimate abandonment.

Abandonment issues are something that many adoptees go through. For adoptees who have not come to terms with the loss of their birth family, the loss of their adopted family must seem that much more terrifying.

So, once again, I have been forced to wonder what makes me different. Will my son be like me or will my son have his own abandonment issues. Perhaps some of the difference lies in the information. I was truly a found baby, left in a public place with no note or history. Therefore, to me, my birth family has little substance…they lack the reality that I attribute to my parents, sister, husband, son… However, Korean adoptees today are coming with information about their birth families. They are real people, with names, occupations and dreams. I suspect that this is why I am much more interested in my son’s birth parents than I am in my own.

My mother used to tell me about my birth parents all the time. Though we didn't know anything about them, she made sure that they were a part of my life. She used to tell me that she knew in her heart that they loved me and that they had done what they thought was best for me because they loved me. Maybe that was the key to why I didn't have strong abandonment feelings?

Once again, I am back to wishing there was a magic handbook for parents with adopted children. I really don't know how my parents did it. I suspect that I can analyze why and why not forever and I will never have a definitive answer. It all comes down to the individual. All I can do is watch my son, do my best and wait for the answers to hit me on the head.

I’ve always believed that parents have to be careful about attributing every problem to adoption. Adoption brings its own problems, but often growing up brings just as many. We have to walk that fine line of watching for adoption-related issues, but not always assuming that adoption is the root of all problems.