At work, a part of my job is to talk about harassment. I stand in front of new employees and remind them that harassment is more than just the big things...it's also in the subtle things that we do. It could be an off hand comment that you make to the person next to you, the joke that you tell, the phone conversation that you're having with your girlfriend. When it's done at work, it isn't private. I am not trying to change your beliefs, I tell them. I'm just telling you to keep it at home.
I am not the type of person that jumps up and yells racism at every comment. In fact, sometimes, I think I am far too slow to react. I have never been a person that enjoys attention and there are times where I let things slide just to avoid the inevitable confrontation. It's something I'm working on, but I suspect that if I am not comfortable in the spotlight yet...I'll probably never get there.
One of my family members (who happens to be Caucasian) is always very quick to jump on the racism bandwagon. Truthfully, I don't think that's good either. Sometimes, a comment or an action, though directed at a minority, is not meant to be racist. When people jump to racism first, I think it damages the fight against racism. It makes the actual instances of racism seem less important.
So, when is it my responsibility?
I know that I am responsible for my own actions. There are times that I have rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and kept them in my head because I realized that I was making a judgement based on stereotypes or news broadcasts. I try very hard to make sure that I think about what I say about other people before I put it into words. Sometimes, even the most good intentioned statement can sound wrong when it is spoken out loud. As a minority that has had these comments directed at me (both the bold and the subtle), it will hurt a part of me to know that I have turned that type of hate on someone else...whether the difference is racial, ethnicity, religious, sexual orientation...
I know that I am responsible for teaching my children what I believe is right. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being too sensitive to what my son brings home to school. I recently explained to him why pretending to stutter was making fun of people and assured him that by pretending to speak another language some people might thinking he was mocking them. But no, my responsibility is not the other children, but explaining to my children why I don't think certain behaviors are okay. I can't stop the way other people believe (though I can hope they will open up their hearts and minds), but I can keep it out of my house. That is definitely my responsibility.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What Did You Tell Your Child's Teacher?
As my son transitioned to public school this year, I realized that I needed to inform his teachers that he was adopted. Up until this point, he’s been in the same center and they knew. I considered just letting it go, but here is why I didn’t…
Part of being a parent, is trying to stay in front of the issues. It doesn’t always work the way I want it to, but I definitely make the effort. I don’t believe that a teacher should change their lesson plans because my son is adopted, but I want her to be aware that projects can create potentially awkward questions.
When I was in elementary school, I had a project where we were supposed to bring a baby pictures to school and everyone was supposed to guess who the baby in the picture was. I was one of the few minorities (much less Asians) in the whole school district. It was not hard to figure out who I was in the picture and I remember that I was disappointed that everyone guessed me right away. I wasn't mad or upset, but I was definitely disappointed.
Another time, we had to tell where we were born. The teacher was putting pins in a map of the United States to show all the different places that people came from. It was harmless, except that I wasn’t born in the United States. As a child, I thrived on my differences. I loved to explain to people that I was born in Seoul, South Korea and adopted in the United States, but I can imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t like explaining your adoption.
Personally, I don’t want the teacher to change their plans. As a parent of an adopted child, I look at these projects as an opportunity to talk to my son about his adoption. So, I told my son’s teacher about his adoption for two reasons…(1) I wanted her to be aware. It only hurts my son if she is taken by surprise. (2) I want to be aware of projects that might create issues before they are given. It hurts all of us if my husband and I are not prepared for the discussion.
Part of being a parent, is trying to stay in front of the issues. It doesn’t always work the way I want it to, but I definitely make the effort. I don’t believe that a teacher should change their lesson plans because my son is adopted, but I want her to be aware that projects can create potentially awkward questions.
When I was in elementary school, I had a project where we were supposed to bring a baby pictures to school and everyone was supposed to guess who the baby in the picture was. I was one of the few minorities (much less Asians) in the whole school district. It was not hard to figure out who I was in the picture and I remember that I was disappointed that everyone guessed me right away. I wasn't mad or upset, but I was definitely disappointed.
Another time, we had to tell where we were born. The teacher was putting pins in a map of the United States to show all the different places that people came from. It was harmless, except that I wasn’t born in the United States. As a child, I thrived on my differences. I loved to explain to people that I was born in Seoul, South Korea and adopted in the United States, but I can imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t like explaining your adoption.
Personally, I don’t want the teacher to change their plans. As a parent of an adopted child, I look at these projects as an opportunity to talk to my son about his adoption. So, I told my son’s teacher about his adoption for two reasons…(1) I wanted her to be aware. It only hurts my son if she is taken by surprise. (2) I want to be aware of projects that might create issues before they are given. It hurts all of us if my husband and I are not prepared for the discussion.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Forced Back to the Blog
2009 has not been a great year for my family. My attention has been entirely on my family and I have not had much time to sit down and write. It's a shame, because I really enjoy it. However, my son has started public school this September and I had a conversation with him that sparked my need to write.
He came home and we were talking. He told me, "I know Chinese." He proceeded to talk in gibberish. I had been expecting this. I remember it from when I was in school. I explained to him that if you don't really know the language and you pretend to know the language you are making fun of people. I told him that some people do it just to make fun of people and it isn't nice. "But why do they do it?" He asked.
Why? Some people do it because they don't know any better. Some people do it to be mean. Some people do it because they don't like people who look different.
My friend and I were talking this weekend and I told her..."I was ready, but I wasn't ready." Does that make sense. I lived it and I knew that there was a good possibility that I would have these conversations, but there was still the part of me that hoped I wouldn't have to.
The most important questions that I asked though were "Do you like it when people make fun of you?" and "Are you going to continue to do it?"
He came home and we were talking. He told me, "I know Chinese." He proceeded to talk in gibberish. I had been expecting this. I remember it from when I was in school. I explained to him that if you don't really know the language and you pretend to know the language you are making fun of people. I told him that some people do it just to make fun of people and it isn't nice. "But why do they do it?" He asked.
Why? Some people do it because they don't know any better. Some people do it to be mean. Some people do it because they don't like people who look different.
My friend and I were talking this weekend and I told her..."I was ready, but I wasn't ready." Does that make sense. I lived it and I knew that there was a good possibility that I would have these conversations, but there was still the part of me that hoped I wouldn't have to.
The most important questions that I asked though were "Do you like it when people make fun of you?" and "Are you going to continue to do it?"
Monday, May 04, 2009
Book Report - Ten Days and Nine Nights
Ten Days and Nine Nights: An Adoption Story, by Yumi Heo
This is the second book about adoption that I’ve read by a Korean non-adoptee. The first one was Marie Lee’s “Somebody’s Daughter.”
My favorite part of this book was the pictures. When I was growing up, it was so hard for my parents to find me things with Asian faces (books, dolls, etc…) and I am always pleased when I find something new for my son. This one not only has Asian faces (front and center), but it happens to be about a little girl waiting for her new sibling to come from Korea.
The book is a countdown and takes you through ten days and nine nights of waiting. Anyone who has been through the adoption process knows that waiting is the word of the day. I enjoyed it, but because it is a picture book there isn’t a lot of explanation to the pages. I didn’t give my son a heads up when I started reading it and he was pretty confused at first. When we got to the end, he realized that the little girl was waiting just like he is waiting and he really enjoyed it the second time through. Long story short, you might want to tell your child what it is about before you read it.
Thank you to Jessica for sending me the book.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Knowledge is Power - Part 2 (It's All About The Child)
During our adoption class, one thing one of the social workers (who happened to be our social worker) kept saying was that it’s all about the child and that parents were going to have to do things that make them uncomfortable.
I think that, sometimes, adoptive parents lose track of the fact that the adoption is all about the child. Sometimes, we get caught up in the excitement and forget there are so many other issues that we have to address. It is a glorious moment when your child arrives and you are entirely wrapped up in the moment, but we can’t forget that the story didn’t start with us.
The social worker asked, “When does your child’s story start?” There was silence in the room and I could see the wheels turning. There is an urge to have your child’s story start with you, but the reality is that your child’s story started long before you. It started with your child’s birth parents and your child’s birth (even though you weren’t there).
When we adopted my son, I honestly didn’t realize that this was a big issue; however, I think it’s because my story didn’t start with the people I call Mom and Dad either. Though I admit I’ve been pretty bad about putting together my son’s lifebook (everything is bought and sitting in my closet), we talk about it all the time. Some of the conservations we have been awkward and a little uncomfortable as he tries to sort out the reality of birth parents that he’s never met and live in a place he can’t remember, but I want him to learn the truth from me so that he knows that he can come to me with questions.
Here are some things that stuck out to me:
1. Your child’s life starts at their birth. Make sure you have as much information as possible to share.
2. Be careful how you talk about a child’s birth parents. Be as positive as you can.
3. Don’t lie to your child. If there is negative information about their past, give it to them in terms that they can understand, but never withhold information.
4. Your child’s story is their story to share. Try to limit the amount of information that is known by family and friends.
5. You want them to learn the truth from you and not from someone else, no matter how difficult the truth is.
Power to the child!
I think that, sometimes, adoptive parents lose track of the fact that the adoption is all about the child. Sometimes, we get caught up in the excitement and forget there are so many other issues that we have to address. It is a glorious moment when your child arrives and you are entirely wrapped up in the moment, but we can’t forget that the story didn’t start with us.
The social worker asked, “When does your child’s story start?” There was silence in the room and I could see the wheels turning. There is an urge to have your child’s story start with you, but the reality is that your child’s story started long before you. It started with your child’s birth parents and your child’s birth (even though you weren’t there).
When we adopted my son, I honestly didn’t realize that this was a big issue; however, I think it’s because my story didn’t start with the people I call Mom and Dad either. Though I admit I’ve been pretty bad about putting together my son’s lifebook (everything is bought and sitting in my closet), we talk about it all the time. Some of the conservations we have been awkward and a little uncomfortable as he tries to sort out the reality of birth parents that he’s never met and live in a place he can’t remember, but I want him to learn the truth from me so that he knows that he can come to me with questions.
Here are some things that stuck out to me:
1. Your child’s life starts at their birth. Make sure you have as much information as possible to share.
2. Be careful how you talk about a child’s birth parents. Be as positive as you can.
3. Don’t lie to your child. If there is negative information about their past, give it to them in terms that they can understand, but never withhold information.
4. Your child’s story is their story to share. Try to limit the amount of information that is known by family and friends.
5. You want them to learn the truth from you and not from someone else, no matter how difficult the truth is.
Power to the child!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Knowledge is Power – Part One
Awhile back, we attended mandatory adoption workshops. I griped and complained a little about going. After all, I am full of first hand experience, but I did enjoy myself and I met some very interesting people. It also served as a reminder to me that all adoptions are different. I believe that the training is invaluable for first time adoptive parents and not a bad refresher for those of us who live and breathe it.
Anyhow, the overriding theme of the presentation (in my opinion) was that knowledge is power. I’ve also believed that knowledge is power, but if adoption touches your life (especially international adoption) knowledge is also mandatory.
It is important that the prospective parents, adoptive parents and adoptees are armed with all of the information that they can find – the good, the bad and the ugly. The more you know, the less surprise there will be when something new tries to mow you down. Please don’t doubt it, no matter how prepared you are…there will always be something new.
Anyhow, the overriding theme of the presentation (in my opinion) was that knowledge is power. I’ve also believed that knowledge is power, but if adoption touches your life (especially international adoption) knowledge is also mandatory.
It is important that the prospective parents, adoptive parents and adoptees are armed with all of the information that they can find – the good, the bad and the ugly. The more you know, the less surprise there will be when something new tries to mow you down. Please don’t doubt it, no matter how prepared you are…there will always be something new.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
I'm Back!
I'm back! My wrist was healed in February; however, to make things short, a lot of things happened between then and now that kept me busy. Hopefully, my life will go back to being slightly boring and I'll have more time to write.
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