Korean-Adoption

Kimchi Thoughts

2011-01-05T21:09:00.003-05:00

Isn't it funny what brings you back to the blog. It is amazing how the addition of our newest has consumed my time and thoughts. However, tonight I was having kimchi thoughts...so I hopped over to write them down.

My sister and I were recently having a discussion on kimchi. Her boyfriend does not like the smell of kimchi. As a whole, I like kimchi, but I had to agree that I wasn't that fond of the smell that it leaves in my refrigerator...so, I just make sure I eat it when I have it. Anyhow, during our conversation, my oldest son had to add his two cents (as usual). "I don't like kimchi," he told us. This is true. I have a picture of him trying kimchi for the first time and it's priceless. I think we teased him about being very "un-Korean-like" or something like that and he just made faces at us and ran off to play.

So, nearly two weeks later (both boys are asleep), I find myself with time to think and for some reason the kimchi conversation popped into my head. From there, I started to think about when I started liking kimchi. Then I started thinking about when I tried kimchi for the first time. I can vaguely remember going to a Korea-American picnic when I was an early teen and refusing to try it and my next clear memory of kimchi was when I was well into adulthood. In fact, I think it was shortly before we adopted our oldest son. Someone once told me that I must like kimchi because of my Korean genes. Really?

He tried kimchi, I remind myself. Why must he like it? My mother's family is Irish. Does that mean she has to know how to dance the Irish jig? Well, actually, she does know how to dance the Irish jig...that's not the point. I like kimchi. I hate mushrooms. I love pasta. Am I Italian? Or, am I just hungry and in desperate need of sleep?

Bottom line, just because we were born in Korea does not mean we have to love all things Korean. I'm going to guess that even people who do live in Korea don't love all things Korean. So, no more "un-Korean-like" statements from me. He's who he needs to be and that's what is important.

What We Don't Know

2010-05-24T16:22:00.003-04:00

I had forgotten how busy a small person can keep you. I had thought that I would be able to write more while I was off on leave (due to the arrival of my son), but I soon came to realize that time is not something I have to spare. I had become spoiled by my six year old son's independence.

Today, however, I found myself thinking about what I don't know. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot that I don't know, but that's what makes me human. Fortunately, my thoughts were a little more grounded in the adoption world and didn't take me out to all the other things that I can't possibly know.

I do know basics about our newest arrival. I know basics about his birth parents and I have medical history since he was born. I know that he had a foster mother who loved him and took very good care of him - you can see it in the pictures and the video. I know how many bottles he had every day and if he took naps.

What I don't know speaks volumes. I don't know exactly what his birth mother was thinking when she made the decision to place him up for adoption. I don't know if his foster mother held him when he woke up at night or if she patted him on the back and sang him a song. I don't know about his extended Korean family or if they even know that he is here. I don't know if he has his birth mother's eyes or his birth father's hair.

I realize that I have more information for both of my children than my parents had. For me, they didn't even have my exact birth date. They knew the basics about what had happened since I had been found, but they had no names to think about when they thought about my birth parents or information about their families.

So, I am happy that I have as much as I do, but I also find myself dwelling on what I don't know. Every time my son can't do something, I wonder if it's because no one asked him to do it before or if it's common in his birth parents' family. It's funny, I didn't go here with my first son. Perhaps, with him, I had too many other concerns. This is new for me and interesting.

With both of my boys, I had hoped that they would come home with a letter from their birth mothers (or birth fathers). Our social worker had told us that it is happening more often. I know that contact scares some adoptive parents, but I keep thinking about all of the things that I don't know and I wish I had it.

Anything is Possible

2010-05-16T19:20:00.003-04:00

My family went to a University of Michigan baseball game today and it served to remind me of the power of positive thinking. Michigan was down 0-14 and the game had hardly started. The odds looked terrible. Our first Michigan baseball game and it looked like we would go home disappointed.

Little by little, Michigan's score started to increase and the other team's score stayed at 14. By the seventh inning, you could see the question in people's eyes. Could they do it? In the ninth inning, Michigan tied the game 14-14 and the impossible had just become possible. A home run hit in the tenth inning and Michigan wins 15-14.

No this has nothing to do with adoption, but it served as a reminder to me that anything is possible. I hope that I can hold onto this game and, when things are taking a turn for the worst, I can use this game as a catalyst to drive me forward. I wonder what was said to the Michigan players when the score was 0-14? It must have been inspiring. For my part, I will just remind myself that 0-14 can become 15-14, even if you have to wait until the last inning.

Adoption Language

2010-04-28T14:56:00.003-04:00

I will start this post by telling everyone that I am not someone who is overly sensitive when people outside the adoption community use terms that can be considered negative. We all hear them...words like "real parents" and "you couldn't have your own child" pop up with regularity. I am much more likely to take offense at the tone then I am to the words. A lot of times people say the words without any malicious intent. Quite frankly, if I took offense every time I heard them I would be a very unhappy and bitter person. So, I listen to the tone and temper my response accordingly.

With that said, I ran across another adoptive parent the other day. I approached her (which is not normal for me at all) and explained that I was adopted and asked if her son was too. He was and we talked. She proceeded to tell me that she "couldn't have children of her own" and they had turned to adoption. I understood the intent. I don't believe that those words meant she doesn't love her son. However, I couldn't help but wince a little at the words. Quite frankly, I was so astounded to hear it from an adoptive parent that I couldn't even form a response. What if her son heard her say that she couldn't have "one of her own" and misinterpreted the statement?

I think that it is important that adoptive parents do their research. Our agency gave us article after article about what phrases can be considered negative. We went to classes and we learned it again. I'll be one of the first to say that I think some of the "positive" adoption language is bordering on "sappy"; however, it's still important to be educated. While I have quite a bit of patience for the non-adoption world, I am afraid that I don't have much for those of us who are immersed in the culture. I am not worried that some random person or acquaintance will get the wrong idea. I am worried that the children will get the wrong idea.

We Are All Different

2010-04-20T15:07:00.003-04:00

Having a second adopted child has reminded me of a topic. I am reminded that we are all different. I have yet to meet another Korean adoptee who is just like me. There are four of us now in my family and we are all different. I can even see the twinkle of differences in the newest to join the family.

Sometimes, I think that we all forget those differences. Adoptive parents and Korean adoptees (myself included) share stories about how we grew up and how experiences affected us. However, everyone has different experiences and events that shape our lives.

I read stories by other adoptees and I am often upset by their conclusions. Their reactions will sometimes cast a shadow over my own experiences. The logical part of me knows that we are all different, but the illogical part of my brain still worries. Sometimes, I have been concerned that prospective adoptive parents use my experience as justification for their decision to adopt. My experiences alone cannot be the basis for a decision. The decision always has to be looked at from all possible angles. Awhile back, we received some news that I found unsettling, but worked through it with my husband. I told him, "I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst." I am covering all my bases.

Too often, though, I think that members of our adoption community are too tied up in their side only. They are not willing to look at the other side and consider that their way is not always the right way for everyone. Korean adoptees like myself who had positive experiences. Korean adoptees who did not have positive experiences. Adoptive parents who believe in sending their children to Korean schools. Adoptive parents who choose not to introduce the Korean culture to their children at all. We are all different and we will all make our mark on this world in our own way. Is it the right way? We'll find out.

Paperwork is Good?

2010-01-28T12:26:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I think that adoption paperwork is a plot against trees. Everytime I think I'm done, I'm printing out more papers to sign and mail back to one location or another. However, I print those papers without a second thought.

I know I've talked about it before, but it's high in my mind again because we're going through the process again. Recently, someone told me that they don't think it's fair that we have to jump through so many hoops to adopt when someone who chooses to have a child biologically doesn't.

Despite my frustration with the never ending forms, I still have to disagree with that statement. Being a parent is not easy. Why should becoming a parent be easy? If someone is able to make it through the endless months of paperwork, waiting, more paperwork, more waiting...they must really want to be a parent. Right? Okay, not always, but I would guess that many a parent has changed his/her mind somewhere in the process.

Perhaps if everyone had to "jump through hoops" before becoming a parent we would have less children waiting for homes.

So, I will swallow my complaints and complete my paperwork. I don't think I'll go as far as saying paperwork is good, but I will say that adoption should not be easy.

Welcome 2010

2010-01-04T20:46:00.003-05:00

I am looking forward to 2010. 2009 was not my favorite year, but I like to remind myself that there are reasons for everything and I hope that the lessons have been learned. For sure, nothing will be the same.

The end of 2009 did bring new things. It brought us to a new spot in our second adoption. We received our referral for a little boy and now we are waiting for all of the various pieces to fall into place. I am doing my best not to become too excited. There are too many factors that have to happen and months to wait for a travel call. I know the process and I know that there are sudden pitfalls. After all, my parents had to go their congressman to get my visa completed. However, with the onset of the new year, I do finally feel like we are in the final countdown. It's a nice feeling.

When is it my responsibility?

2009-12-30T16:40:00.003-05:00

At work, a part of my job is to talk about harassment. I stand in front of new employees and remind them that harassment is more than just the big things...it's also in the subtle things that we do. It could be an off hand comment that you make to the person next to you, the joke that you tell, the phone conversation that you're having with your girlfriend. When it's done at work, it isn't private. I am not trying to change your beliefs, I tell them. I'm just telling you to keep it at home.

I am not the type of person that jumps up and yells racism at every comment. In fact, sometimes, I think I am far too slow to react. I have never been a person that enjoys attention and there are times where I let things slide just to avoid the inevitable confrontation. It's something I'm working on, but I suspect that if I am not comfortable in the spotlight yet...I'll probably never get there.

One of my family members (who happens to be Caucasian) is always very quick to jump on the racism bandwagon. Truthfully, I don't think that's good either. Sometimes, a comment or an action, though directed at a minority, is not meant to be racist. When people jump to racism first, I think it damages the fight against racism. It makes the actual instances of racism seem less important.

So, when is it my responsibility?

I know that I am responsible for my own actions. There are times that I have rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and kept them in my head because I realized that I was making a judgement based on stereotypes or news broadcasts. I try very hard to make sure that I think about what I say about other people before I put it into words. Sometimes, even the most good intentioned statement can sound wrong when it is spoken out loud. As a minority that has had these comments directed at me (both the bold and the subtle), it will hurt a part of me to know that I have turned that type of hate on someone else...whether the difference is racial, ethnicity, religious, sexual orientation...

I know that I am responsible for teaching my children what I believe is right. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being too sensitive to what my son brings home to school. I recently explained to him why pretending to stutter was making fun of people and assured him that by pretending to speak another language some people might thinking he was mocking them. But no, my responsibility is not the other children, but explaining to my children why I don't think certain behaviors are okay. I can't stop the way other people believe (though I can hope they will open up their hearts and minds), but I can keep it out of my house. That is definitely my responsibility.

What Did You Tell Your Child's Teacher?

2009-10-14T12:52:00.001-04:00

As my son transitioned to public school this year, I realized that I needed to inform his teachers that he was adopted. Up until this point, he’s been in the same center and they knew. I considered just letting it go, but here is why I didn’t…

Part of being a parent, is trying to stay in front of the issues. It doesn’t always work the way I want it to, but I definitely make the effort. I don’t believe that a teacher should change their lesson plans because my son is adopted, but I want her to be aware that projects can create potentially awkward questions.

When I was in elementary school, I had a project where we were supposed to bring a baby pictures to school and everyone was supposed to guess who the baby in the picture was. I was one of the few minorities (much less Asians) in the whole school district. It was not hard to figure out who I was in the picture and I remember that I was disappointed that everyone guessed me right away. I wasn't mad or upset, but I was definitely disappointed.

Another time, we had to tell where we were born. The teacher was putting pins in a map of the United States to show all the different places that people came from. It was harmless, except that I wasn’t born in the United States. As a child, I thrived on my differences. I loved to explain to people that I was born in Seoul, South Korea and adopted in the United States, but I can imagine what it would feel like if you didn’t like explaining your adoption.

Personally, I don’t want the teacher to change their plans. As a parent of an adopted child, I look at these projects as an opportunity to talk to my son about his adoption. So, I told my son’s teacher about his adoption for two reasons…(1) I wanted her to be aware. It only hurts my son if she is taken by surprise. (2) I want to be aware of projects that might create issues before they are given. It hurts all of us if my husband and I are not prepared for the discussion.

Forced Back to the Blog

2009-09-21T11:54:00.002-04:00

2009 has not been a great year for my family. My attention has been entirely on my family and I have not had much time to sit down and write. It's a shame, because I really enjoy it. However, my son has started public school this September and I had a conversation with him that sparked my need to write.

He came home and we were talking. He told me, "I know Chinese." He proceeded to talk in gibberish. I had been expecting this. I remember it from when I was in school. I explained to him that if you don't really know the language and you pretend to know the language you are making fun of people. I told him that some people do it just to make fun of people and it isn't nice. "But why do they do it?" He asked.

Why? Some people do it because they don't know any better. Some people do it to be mean. Some people do it because they don't like people who look different.

My friend and I were talking this weekend and I told her..."I was ready, but I wasn't ready." Does that make sense. I lived it and I knew that there was a good possibility that I would have these conversations, but there was still the part of me that hoped I wouldn't have to.

The most important questions that I asked though were "Do you like it when people make fun of you?" and "Are you going to continue to do it?"

Book Report - Ten Days and Nine Nights

2009-05-04T12:19:00.003-04:00

Ten Days and Nine Nights: An Adoption Story, by Yumi Heo

This is the second book about adoption that I’ve read by a Korean non-adoptee. The first one was Marie Lee’s “Somebody’s Daughter.”

My favorite part of this book was the pictures. When I was growing up, it was so hard for my parents to find me things with Asian faces (books, dolls, etc…) and I am always pleased when I find something new for my son. This one not only has Asian faces (front and center), but it happens to be about a little girl waiting for her new sibling to come from Korea.

The book is a countdown and takes you through ten days and nine nights of waiting. Anyone who has been through the adoption process knows that waiting is the word of the day. I enjoyed it, but because it is a picture book there isn’t a lot of explanation to the pages. I didn’t give my son a heads up when I started reading it and he was pretty confused at first. When we got to the end, he realized that the little girl was waiting just like he is waiting and he really enjoyed it the second time through. Long story short, you might want to tell your child what it is about before you read it.

Thank you to Jessica for sending me the book.

Knowledge is Power - Part 2 (It's All About The Child)

2009-04-14T21:54:00.002-04:00

During our adoption class, one thing one of the social workers (who happened to be our social worker) kept saying was that it’s all about the child and that parents were going to have to do things that make them uncomfortable.

I think that, sometimes, adoptive parents lose track of the fact that the adoption is all about the child. Sometimes, we get caught up in the excitement and forget there are so many other issues that we have to address. It is a glorious moment when your child arrives and you are entirely wrapped up in the moment, but we can’t forget that the story didn’t start with us.

The social worker asked, “When does your child’s story start?” There was silence in the room and I could see the wheels turning. There is an urge to have your child’s story start with you, but the reality is that your child’s story started long before you. It started with your child’s birth parents and your child’s birth (even though you weren’t there).

When we adopted my son, I honestly didn’t realize that this was a big issue; however, I think it’s because my story didn’t start with the people I call Mom and Dad either. Though I admit I’ve been pretty bad about putting together my son’s lifebook (everything is bought and sitting in my closet), we talk about it all the time. Some of the conservations we have been awkward and a little uncomfortable as he tries to sort out the reality of birth parents that he’s never met and live in a place he can’t remember, but I want him to learn the truth from me so that he knows that he can come to me with questions.

Here are some things that stuck out to me:

1. Your child’s life starts at their birth. Make sure you have as much information as possible to share.

2. Be careful how you talk about a child’s birth parents. Be as positive as you can.

3. Don’t lie to your child. If there is negative information about their past, give it to them in terms that they can understand, but never withhold information.

4. Your child’s story is their story to share. Try to limit the amount of information that is known by family and friends.

5. You want them to learn the truth from you and not from someone else, no matter how difficult the truth is.

Power to the child!

Knowledge is Power – Part One

2009-04-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

Awhile back, we attended mandatory adoption workshops. I griped and complained a little about going. After all, I am full of first hand experience, but I did enjoy myself and I met some very interesting people. It also served as a reminder to me that all adoptions are different. I believe that the training is invaluable for first time adoptive parents and not a bad refresher for those of us who live and breathe it.

Anyhow, the overriding theme of the presentation (in my opinion) was that knowledge is power. I’ve also believed that knowledge is power, but if adoption touches your life (especially international adoption) knowledge is also mandatory.

It is important that the prospective parents, adoptive parents and adoptees are armed with all of the information that they can find – the good, the bad and the ugly. The more you know, the less surprise there will be when something new tries to mow you down. Please don’t doubt it, no matter how prepared you are…there will always be something new.

I'm Back!

2009-04-09T12:30:00.002-04:00

I'm back! My wrist was healed in February; however, to make things short, a lot of things happened between then and now that kept me busy. Hopefully, my life will go back to being slightly boring and I'll have more time to write.

Taking A Break

2008-12-10T18:20:00.002-05:00

I'm taking a break, literally. I have a broken right wrist and I am right handed. Typing is a very slow process. I am thinking of ideas though and I'll be back as soon as they let me use my right hand again.

Book Report: Babies Can’t Eat Kimchi

2008-11-23T18:37:00.000-05:00

My son and I went to the library the other night. In the children’s section, they generally have various books on display right before you enter and a section with a theme right as you walk into the room. Generally, my son heads right to the theme section, but I happened to catch sight of a book that was displayed out front.

Babies Can’t Eat Kimchi, by Nancy Patz. It’s a children’s picture book. It isn’t designed to teach about Korean culture or express any moral lessons. It is simply a cute picture book that talks about being a big sister to a new baby. My son enjoyed it because it had pictures of children that looked like him and he did recognize the hanbok. If you have a child and you are expecting a new one, it might be a cute one to borrow from the library.

Did My Race and Ethnicity Affect My Values?

2008-11-20T20:10:00.000-05:00

As I was completing my paperwork for our adoption, I came across this question. Did my race and ethnicity affect my values? My knee jerk reaction was to say no, but then I thought about it for a second and realized that this was not a yes or no answer.

For the most part, my values have been shaped by my family and the important people around me. As I grew older, I watched what they did and decided what made sense and I emulated the people that I respected. Race and ethnicity really didn’t play into my decisions.

However, I do realize that being a minority did have a lot to do with how I viewed other people. My parents taught me that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that we judge people by their actions (not because of the way they look, what they believe in, etc…). I was treated differently because I was a Korean adoptee and I didn’t like it all. I didn’t like that people assume that I should be a certain way just because of how I looked. Therefore, I make an extra effort not to do the same things to others.

It always amazes me when a minority expresses a stereotype about another minority or shows prejudice based on assumptions. I have a hard time understanding how someone who has been slapped in the face with prejudice can turn around and slap someone else (Black v. Asian, Asian v. Hispanic, Hispanic v. Native American, etc…). I am not perfect. I find myself jumping to conclusions, but I am aware of the problem and I try very hard not to react to these unsubstantiated conclusions. I am constantly reminding myself that I need to step back and look at the facts. I remind myself to never say the word “all” when talking about people because it never applies. All Asians are not Chinese. All Arabic people are not Muslim. All Muslims are not terrorists. All Black people are not gang members. All Hispanic people are not illegal residents.

So, yes, I think that my race and ethnicity did affect my values and the way I value people. I hope that as my children grow older, they look to emulate some of my values and, hopefully, they can take them a step farther.

Race: Front and Center

2008-11-18T07:09:00.000-05:00

I am very interested to see how the dialogue on race is shaped in the coming days. The election of Barack Obama has really brought racial issues front and center. No matter what your political leanings are, if you are a part of the Korean adoption circle, race has to matter.

If we can get past the petty bickering, this has the potential to be a moment of positive change. When I say petty, I mean the news reports where they show one man or woman making a racial remark and they play it over and over and over again. I know that people say them. I know that some people mean them and I know that some people don’t realize the insult behind the words. Pointing at these people and blaming them for all of the problems of the world won’t fix the problems. I hope that we will be able to use this opportunity to have meaningful dialogue and move forward.

Homestudy: Part One

2008-11-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

Our first homestudy visit was Friday. It puts us one step closer to the end. Our social worker confirmed that it could be twelve months before we receive a referral. I suspected this was the case, based on the reports I was reading on the website, but it still didn’t making hearing it fun.

When I talk to people, I am always amazed at how frightened prospective parents are of their homestudy. With our first son, I didn’t go through this fear because I had done it when my sister was adopted. I thought my sister’s social worker was going to be a cross between Zeus and Hercules. She held all the power. I was sure that if I didn’t come off as the perfect child, she would deny me a baby sister. Because my parents remained so active in the adoption community and they became good friends with my sister’s social worker, I had lost most of my anxiety with the process by the time I started my own.

This time was pretty relaxed. We have the same social worker so we didn’t have to get used to someone new. I told our social worker that I’m going to miss the homestudy process. We told my son that she was coming and he cleaned his room without complaint. We’re talking spotless.

Our second visit will be in about a week and then the waiting game begins. It’s absolutely amazing how much of the adoption process is waiting.

Return From The Land of the Mouse

2008-10-25T21:24:00.002-04:00

We have returned from our trip to Disney World and fun was had by all. However, with our return has come the realization that I still have a lot left to do to complete our adoption application. Prior to the trip, I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything except the trip.

To my horror, I’ve realized that all of the people we asked to do references have returned their letters and the agency hasn’t received any part of the packet from us yet. I have quite a bit done, but not enough. I haven’t procrastinated this badly since I was in college and avoiding the thought of the next big exam. I was so organized the first time and I can’t even claim partial organization now.

My friend who has three children says that this is normal. She said she prepared for her first, never got completely organized for the second and the third was hopeless. I suspect that most of it stems from the fact that you have less time once you have a child in your home that needs your undivided attention.

For those of you going through the process for the first time, do as I say and not what I do (or something like that). It made me feel better to be organized and send things as I could. Once I sent it, I felt like I was accomplishing something. I made checklists, I scanned everything (for just in case) and my life was much calmer.

The Physical

2008-10-07T20:17:00.002-04:00

Saturday, I went to the doctor's office for my blood tests and the TB test. One more step towards adoption number two. Thursday, I have my physical.

Arrival Days

2008-09-26T21:38:00.000-04:00

Today is my Arrival Day. (And yes, for those of you who haven’t heard my rant over the last couple of years…I generally use Arrival Day. I really dislike (on many levels) the term “Gotcha” Day.) Today has really been a regular day for me, nothing special or exciting. I dropped off my son at school, went to work, picked up my son and came home. Truthfully, the only reason I remember my Arrival Day is because it pops up on my Palm Pilot. (I love my Palm Pilot.)

I’ve heard the stories about my Arrival Day. My parents flew to Chicago O’Hare to meet me. In those days (I feel old saying that), you could still wait at the gate. My mother always tells the story with much more drama and flare than I can, but the gist of the story is that they waited for a long time. The plane landed and all of the people came off, but there were no babies. Finally the pilot came out and asked why everyone was waiting and there was (I’m sure) a collective gasp of horror. Someone said they were waiting for the babies and the pilot said, “What babies?”, but then the babies came.

When I was little, I used to listen to that story over and over and over again. Since my mother is a natural born story teller, I still hear it from time to time. It is different now for my son. He doesn’t ask me to tell him a story. He tells me he wants to see his movie. He’ll watch it over and over and over again…just the way I listed to my story. How the times have changed (and I’m feeling old again).

I’m trying to remember when my Arrival Day became just another day. I think it was in High School, though I can’t remember for sure. It’s still a special day, just not a celebrated day.

I'm Thinking

2008-09-18T20:09:00.003-04:00

I've been without adoption thoughts for awhile, but I thought I'd check in. September was full of surprises. Because of his birthday, we weren't planning to put my son in Kindergarten this year. His daycare/pre-school informed us three days before school started that he was ready and they could get a waiver. So, I had three days to adjust to my son going to Kindergarten (private). We think that we're going to send him through Kindergarten again next year (in the public schools) because of his age and size. We had a surprise party for my father-in-law and now I've realized that "SURPRISE" my husband is leaving for a one week seminar in two weeks and we're leaving for Disney World in three weeks. How could this have happened? Where did my summer go?

Questions & Answers

2008-08-24T10:11:00.000-04:00

I’ve been working diligently on writing my autobiography for our second adoption. They gave us a list of questions and I need to write my answers. One of the things that I’ve heard potential adoptive parents worry about is giving the right answers. They don’t like it very much when I tell them there isn’t one right answer. I suspect there are some very wrong answers, but for a large part your answers are telling them about you and how you will work through the adoption process. Just because one answer doesn’t match anyone else’s answer doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means you are different and being different is a fundamental truth in international adoption. It’s better to get used to it now.

Items of Interest

2008-08-17T15:25:00.002-04:00

Third Mom has an interesting post so I thought I'd pass it on. I don't have time to comment on it, but I wanted to share.

With or Without Sauerkraut

2008-08-17T15:08:00.002-04:00

We attended the local German Festival again this year. It was during the height of summer, so I'm obviously late with this post. We weren’t able to make it last year. For me, the food is the draw. I love spaetzel and sauerkraut. For my son, the draw is the food (plus hotdogs and minus the sauerkraut) and the music. We went up on the stage, he sat on my lap and he watched the German dancers do their thing. He didn’t move a muscle. He wouldn’t go dance with the other kids, but he promised me that he would next year.

In Disney World, one of his favorite memories is of the German band at the German restaurant. My father's family has a lot of German in their family tree, but I can't figure out what the draw is. I suppose that when I can figure out how the child's mind works...I'll make a fortune. Of course, he also liked the Moroccan belly dancer...OMG testosterone in a five year old.

Adoption Agency Picnic

2008-08-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

We attended our adoption agency picnic this week-end. The turnout was disappointing this year. It’s usually packed. I’m not sure if they got caught in the summer vacation season, but there were a lot less people this year than there was last year.

My husband’s parents came with us and my son had a blast. They had a snow cone maker and a bounce house. So, my very blue-tongued child bounced his heart out. Because of the low turn out, he didn’t have to compete with a lot of children and he had his grandparent’s undivided attention.

I know I’ve talked about it before, but I noticed once again that there seems to be a general age limit when it comes to these events. Families with adopted children are gung-ho participants in these events when their children are babies through kindergarten and then one by one they disappear. My mother says that it was the same for them. Though they ran an adoption group and, thus, stayed in the system longer than normal, eventually all of my events and schedules made it too difficult to continue.

The Little Chinese Lady

2008-07-18T06:33:00.000-04:00

A vendor made a delivery to my office the other day and handed it to my co-worker. “Make sure this gets to the little Chinese lady,” he said. “I didn’t correct him,” she said. “I didn’t think it was worth it.” It probably wasn’t. Never mind that I’m not Chinese and don’t understand why the “little” comment was necessary in the first place.

However, the comment served to remind me how many times I use unnecessary labels when talking about someone. Looking at my own habits, most of the time that I use a label (Black, White, short, skinny, over weight, etc…) it adds no real meaning to the story. If I’m retelling the above story, would it have really mattered if I had said that it was a balding, Black man who made the comment? It wasn’t by the way…that was just an example.

I challenge everyone to really listen to what you say and what other people say. How many times do you add a label to a story or comment that doesn’t really need to be there? How often do the people around you do the same thing? Labels are often divisive, even when the person who is using it doesn’t mean to be divisive. I’m stepping off my soap box now and moving on…

Independence Day and Dual Citizenship

2008-07-13T22:37:00.001-04:00

Okay, I’m a week or so late, but I’ve been working on this post in my head for awhile. The fourth of July is a big deal in my family. Partly, I think it’s because the males in my family enjoy fire and exploding things…but we females seem to be just as enthralled. We ran the whole gambit – fireworks, picnics and parades.

What does this have to do with Korean adoption? As a history major who leaned heavily towards United States history, I do tend to remember that there is a larger significance to fourth of July celebrations than just parties and explosives. I identify as a citizen of the United States. I am a naturalized citizen. I stood in the courtroom and waved my flag. My parent repeated my oath and I shook hands with the judge.

So, I am having a hard time relating to the Korean adoptees who are currently petitioning for the right to have dual citizenship in Korea. A part of me wants to sign their petition so that they can achieve what they want and be happy. However, a part of me is reluctant to sign a petition that I really don’t have any interest in. The result of my confusion is that I spend long hours talking to myself and (unfortunately) I don’t seem to be able to answer myself.

It’s not that I’m against Korean adoptees having the right to have to dual citizenship. I know other people who have dual citizenship with other countries. My dilemma is that I’m feeling crisscrossed loyalties right now. For any other petition, I won’t sign it if I don’t feel 100% confident that I agree with it and that I walk the talk. In this case, I can honestly say that I have no problem with it, but I would definitely not walk the talk.

Unfortunately, writing this post has not helped me make a decision. So, I suspect that I have more long hours of talking to myself in the near future.

For Korean adoptees who are interested in dual citizenship, check out http://goal.or.kr/eng/.

When Did I Understand That I Was Adopted?

2008-07-06T16:44:00.000-04:00

Someone asked me yesterday if my son understands that he is adopted. I have no clue, but I doubt it. He’s four. If you ask him, he’ll tell you that he’s adopted. He’ll also tell you that Mommy and Aunt C are adopted too. He’ll tell you that he is adopting a baby. Does he have a clue what that means? No.

I remind him that he’s adopted and I tell him about the day he arrived on the airplane, but I really don’t think that the message is hitting home. He does think that babies come on airplanes and he was vastly annoyed with us for making him fly all the way to Detroit by himself. He wanted to know why Mommy and Daddy weren’t with him.

So, when did I understand that I was adopted? I have no clue. As far as I can remember, I always knew that I was adopted, but I’m sure that isn’t right. I don’t remember any conscious moment where I suddenly knew and understood adoption. I suspect that I heard it so often before I could understand the concept that when I could understand it was a pretty mild realization. Of course, I also had the added benefit of looking nothing like either of my parents.

I spent a few nights recently really thinking about how I could bring the situation down to a four-year old level. I think that (as usual) I was over thinking the situation. He’ll figure it out when he figures it out and, as long as it isn’t a surprise, he probably shouldn’t be too scarred by the experience. Right?

Kindness

2008-07-01T13:03:00.000-04:00

Over the last few months, I have felt bombarded by unhappy stories. I’m hearing about fires, floods and tornados in the United States, a cyclone in Myanmar and the earthquake in China. Night after night, I listen to the reports on NPR and I found myself depressed by the time I get home. It’s all about death and destruction.

I was driving home from work the other night and, as I was exiting from the freeway, I saw a homeless man standing on the corner with a sign that said he was hungry. I rarely stop when I’m by myself or with my son. Sometimes it’s for safety and other times it’s because I’m too busy to take a moment from my day. My son asks me why the people stand at the corners all the time. There is something deeply upsetting about explaining homelessness to a four year old. He asks me the tough questions. Why doesn’t he have a home? Where is his family? Does he have boys and girls (my son’s way of asking if he has sons or daughters)?

Seeing that one man was like seeing the face of all of the people that I had been hearing about on the radio and the weight of the realization was crushing. As I sat in my car waiting for the light to turn, I saw the truck in front of me roll down his window and the homeless man moved forward slowly. The driver of the truck handed the man something and I watched the homeless man flash the driver a brilliant smile. The light changed and as I drove past him, I saw him opening up a packaged sandwich.

I witnessed a random act of kindness and it is amazing what one little act can do. I wonder if the driver realized that he brightened more than just the day of the man on the corner.

Phase Two – The Big Big Application

2008-06-29T22:52:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s official – phase two has officially begun. I sent a request to our adoption agency to mail us the full application packet. The long process for kid #2 is about to begin. I had forgotten how many pieces of paper are required. It’s amazing how four years can skew your recollection of the events. I remember now! Birth certificates, copies of documents, letters of recommendation, biographies…Ugh!

• Requested the full application packet.
• Scheduled my doctor’s appointment.
• Began the agonizing process of deciding who to ask for a letter of recommendation.

The positive side for this blog is that adoption will be a much bigger part of my life now so I’ll probably have more topics to write about.

Being Comfortable

2008-05-11T20:25:00.000-04:00

The Korean Students Association (KSA) at the University of Michigan hosts a children’s festival every year. We weren’t able to go last year, but this year I decided to go again. In fact, I invited my friend and her children to come along. My friend’s children have often accompanied us to events. It wasn’t as well organized this year, but I realized that it isn’t the glitz that is important…it’s the contact.

Growing up, I rarely saw large groups of Asian people or, for that matter, small groups of Asian people. When I was in a situation with a lot of Asians, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t belong. What I realized this past week-end was that it was not the sense of belonging that I needed to give my son, it is instilling that sense of comfort that is important.

I don’t have a driving need to belong in the Asian community and I really don’t regret that I don’t feel like I belong there. The purpose of this post is that I am aware that some Korean adoptees do regret that they don’t belong and are desperately searching for that sense of belonging. I found that sense of belonging with my family and friends. Some adoptees have that, but require more.

Since I adopted my son, I have made an effort to attend more events and I realized at the KSA event that I had accomplished two very important things. First, my son is oblivious to the fact that it is different to be in a crowd of Asians and, second, my son’s non-Asian friends are also oblivious to the fact that is different to be in a crowd of Asians.

Truthfully, my son was just as fascinated to attend the German Festival last summer or to watch the African exhibit at the Detroit Institute of Art. What I’ve done is create a buffer zone that allows my son to choose for himself. I have no plans to force feed my son Korean culture. I would have spit it back in my parents’ face and, judging from my son’s level of stubbornness, I suspect he would do the same thing to me. However, if I do this right, I can give him the stepping stone to make his own choices in the future.

A side effect to this whole process is that the more often I attend these events with my son, the more comfortable I become as well. Keeping in mind, that group events make me nervous (no matter what they are about), I’m actually starting to relax a little. This just goes to show everyone that it’s never too late to learn new things.

Spanish Lessons

2008-05-09T06:36:00.000-04:00

I signed my son up for Spanish lessons this year. I can feel the Korean Adoption community shaking their heads. Why would I put my Korean adoptee in Spanish instead of Korean? The answer is convenience. My son’s daycare is offering Spanish classes; therefore, my son is taking Spanish. If they offered Russian, he’d be taking Russian.

Over the years, I have largely regretted the six years of French that I took. I have forgotten most of what I learned and in the last twelve years in the business field, I have only need French once (and I couldn’t remember enough of it to make it work). Spanish I have needed many times and still do.

Truthfully, I would be interested in learning Korean, but I haven’t been able to find anywhere that teaches it locally. The closest one I’ve found so far is over an hour away. I don’t have that kind of luxury, to take three hours or more out of one day (or more) and two thirds of the time would be driving. As it is, I’m running to all the things that my son wants to do and I can guarantee you that my four year old has no interest in learning another language when he could be playing tag at the play area. In fact, despite that fact that he’s picked up a frightening amount of Spanish words, he told me that he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He’d much rather be with his regular class and I can’t say that I blame him. I told him he had to finish this session, but that I wouldn’t make him do it again unless he changes his mind.

I’ve heard the arguments. People are always telling me that the Korean language is a part of my heritage and my son’s heritage. I think it’s wonderful when I hear that Korean adoptees have learned the Korean language and embraced the culture. My lack of enthusiasm definitely stems from the fact that I have a distinct difference in opinion about what my heritage entails. If my son decides that he wants to learn Korean, I will drive over an hour to get there, but until then – convenience rules!

Race & Gender (in Brief)

2008-05-08T06:17:00.001-04:00

For the most part, I don’t want to create a lengthy dialogue on race or gender on my blog. I do this enough in my personal life without catapulting myself onto the internet.

Simply, I wanted to say that I enjoyed my time in college a lot, but I have rarely had an urge to go back. In fact, I live fifteen minutes away from the university and I haven’t been back since my graduation. However, towards the end of my college career, I took a course on race and gender in politics. Wouldn’t that be the course to be in now? For this course, I would like to go back to college.

I am just hoping that all of this pettiness doesn’t overshadow the real positives that we have in front of us. When this is over, no matter what the outcome, we should be able to look back at this time and remember it as a stepping stone. It will be a great loss if no one is able to look past the politics and the media to see the big picture.

Korean Cooking Links

2008-04-07T20:18:00.000-04:00

A member of one of the online message boards posted the following links and I thought I’d pass them on.

Cooking Korean Food with Maangchi

KGrocer.com (Korean Instant Food Online Superstore)

Quick Update on our Adoption Process

2008-03-30T15:31:00.000-04:00

On my previous post, it was asked how our adoption process was going. Now that I am through March (I can’t believe it’s almost April!) and we are done worshipping the bunny, I feel confident in replying.

Awhile back, I announced that we had put through our preliminary application to adopt our second child. We had been warned that our names wouldn’t come up until around October. So, it was a big surprise when we were told in February that we had reached the top of the list and that we could begin the formal application process. Unfortunately, we had to put the process on hold, because we weren’t ready for it this early for a number of reasons – being financially ready is one of the biggest.

I had a week of depression where I didn’t really want to talk about it at all, but then I remembered what I tell other people all the time. Though the waiting process is rough, it is a part of the process and life is too wonderful to waste it on the bad thoughts. Besides, we promised my son a trip to Disney World before he becomes a big brother and we plan to keep our promise. I bought the tickets last week.

The Year of the Rat

2008-02-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

My family and I went to a Lunar New Year Party today. The adoption organization that we belong to sponsors it every year and we dutifully make the hour trip. They have a session where they show children how to play the drums and dance. My son loves it and talks about it for days. A local Korean restaurant caters the event and we enjoyed it (even though we had gone to a different Korean restaurant yesterday). I had kimchi, rice and vegetable pancakes. My son inhaled the Korean barbecue beef (which he thinks is ambrosia), bean sprouts and a little rice.

On the way home, I started thinking about what it meant to be the year of the rat. After all, in my world, rats are not exactly something that you want to be compared to. Some quick internet searching showed me that the (lunar) rat is a sign of prosperity and material wealth. People born in the year of the rat are leaders. There are also the standard bad things that can be associated with people born in the year of the rat, but that is to be expected…the whole yin/yang theory.

I always wonder what has changed over the years. My automatic reaction to the rat is to shudder. I think of disease and beady red eyes. Quite frankly, I think “yuck” and “double yuck.” Of course, we also have more recent history that includes plagues and other various diseases that rats have been blamed for. However, thousands of years ago, someone looked at the rat and saw prosperity. The human mind is amazing and complex.

Link: Korean Times

Link: Chosun

Korean Adoptee With Curly Hair

2008-02-19T19:46:00.005-05:00

Have you ever noticed that people with curly hair always want straight hair and people with straight hair always want curly hair?

Most of my life, I have had straight black hair. As mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I did have one unfortunate run in with the spiral perm back in the 80s; however, for the most part it has been as straighter than straight. Curling irons and curlers couldn't help me put a little curl in my life for long.

So, with the miracle of advanced hair technology, I now have curls in my hair that are a lot easier to make. I had a wave perm put in my hair. It's taking me awhile to get used to it. It's just too weird to see curls in my hair.

It did pass the ultimate test, though. My mother likes it. :)

Dancing

2008-02-10T20:03:00.000-05:00

On one of the message boards, someone was asking about bonding activities. The parent was saying that she didn’t feel like she was bonding because her new child was so active. Everyone who responded had good suggestions – peek-a-boo, swimming, etc…

My son was younger when he arrived and he wasn’t mobile. I carried him around in my sling a lot, so I didn’t have the bonding problems, but I still tried to do things where we were together. So, I danced. It’s pretty funny since I have two left feet and no rhythm, but we danced and danced. Sometimes he was in my sling and sometimes I just held him, but we danced. I turned on the music. We swayed, twirled and dipped.

It was perfect for everyone. My very active boy thought it was an excellent game and it was something that we could do together. There was much laughter and smiles. It wasn’t bad exercise either. Hey, it was a two in one.

Why Don’t They Understand?

2008-02-06T13:46:00.000-05:00

***Special Note - I was in a really bad mood when I wrote this post. In fact, I saved it and didn't post it because I knew that I was in a bad mood. I was mad at other adoptees for blaming their adoption for all of their problems and I was made at parents for blaming adoption for all of their problems. What I really wanted people to do was take some responsibility for their own actions and reactions. However, I've decided to post it anyway and just ask that people remember that I was in a bad mood when I wrote it.***

On one of my boards, a discussion was started by an adoptee upset by her parent’s lack of understanding. It made me think a little about understanding. Often, in these conversations (no matter what part of the triangle you are from) you hear the question, “Why don’t they understand?”

Here is my question…why do we expect them to understand? Why does an adoptive parent expect that their adoptee understand their insecurities? Why does the adoptee expect their parents to understand their identity crisis? Why does a birth parent expect their child to respect their privacy? The questions go on and on and on…

Why do they have to understand? I often evaluate a situation from a non-adoption point of view so that I can better understand the adoption situation. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to distance yourself a little from the emotional topic.

I have a friend who will never understand my political leanings. I believe that how I act or how I fail to act will make me less of a person. Who I am has a lot to do with what I believe. Would it be nice if she understood where I was coming from? Yes. Should her lack of belief send me into an uncontrolled tailspin? No. Can I accept that she doesn’t understand? Yes. Does she try to change who I am? No. Can I continue to be who I am? Yes.

Sometimes, I think that we have unreasonable expectations for our family because they are such an important part of our lives. We are unit, so shouldn’t we think as a unit? Shouldn’t they understand and support everything that we do…that we think? Wouldn't life be boring that way?

Personally, I hate it when someone tells me that they understand when I know (without a doubt) that they will never really understand. Haven't you ever had a similar experience - adoption or non-adoption oriented?

I don’t think that it will always be possible for me and my son to have perfect understanding. We are two different people. We are separated by gender, generations and life experiences. We’re both adopted…big deal. It has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with human nature. I hope that some day when my son is going through teenage crisis, middle age crisis or general every day crisis… that he will not look at me and assume that I don't care. I hope that he will look at me and know that sometimes I just won’t be able to understand – I won’t have the same life experiences to walk in his shoes. But like my parents were there for me, I hope he knows that I’ll be there when he takes that walk.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

2008-02-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

Three cheers for the internet. I have been trying to decide what to do with my hair. It’s a very complicated process because I have a tendency to pick something and hold onto it with both hands. When it comes to hair, change does not come easily to me. I can be easily talked out of anything that I decide to do.

Anyhow, I’ve been haunting the internet lately looking at different styles. I went to Google, typed in “Korean Hair Styles” and I received lists of sites to visit. Isn’t that something? Truthfully, there isn’t much difference between Korean hair styles and American hair styles, but what I really wanted to see is what they looked like with Korean faces.

Perhaps my hair trauma comes from the fact that I spent most of my youth looking at hair styles with Caucasian faces and no real way to visualize how they would look with my face shape and coloring. If I had been blessed with the world wide web, I might have avoided a couple of pretty terrible mistakes – the spiral perm being the one that jumps right out at me.

Anyhow, I have made a decision and an appointment with the salon. However, I’m not telling anyone (including my mother) what I’m going to do. One negative sound (whether it’s actual or perceived) will send me back to the status quo. As my friend reminded me, hair will grow out.

The Ultimate Abandonment

2008-01-22T15:57:00.000-05:00

I was having one of those deep thought-provoking conversations with my mother the other day. It always seems to me that we are either having the gossip catch-up conversations or the “oh my gosh” you’re going to make me think conversations.

Anyhow, we know a Korean adoptee who has an almost irrational fear of people dying. In particular, she fears her parents dying. The sight of gray hair or an occasional lapse in memory makes her assume the onset of Alzheimer’s or death. I have my own hang-ups, but I was having a hard time understanding why she had gone this particular path. My mother wrapped it up in a nice neat package. Death is the ultimate abandonment.

Abandonment issues are something that many adoptees go through. For adoptees who have not come to terms with the loss of their birth family, the loss of their adopted family must seem that much more terrifying.

So, once again, I have been forced to wonder what makes me different. Will my son be like me or will my son have his own abandonment issues. Perhaps some of the difference lies in the information. I was truly a found baby, left in a public place with no note or history. Therefore, to me, my birth family has little substance…they lack the reality that I attribute to my parents, sister, husband, son… However, Korean adoptees today are coming with information about their birth families. They are real people, with names, occupations and dreams. I suspect that this is why I am much more interested in my son’s birth parents than I am in my own.

My mother used to tell me about my birth parents all the time. Though we didn't know anything about them, she made sure that they were a part of my life. She used to tell me that she knew in her heart that they loved me and that they had done what they thought was best for me because they loved me. Maybe that was the key to why I didn't have strong abandonment feelings?

Once again, I am back to wishing there was a magic handbook for parents with adopted children. I really don't know how my parents did it. I suspect that I can analyze why and why not forever and I will never have a definitive answer. It all comes down to the individual. All I can do is watch my son, do my best and wait for the answers to hit me on the head.

I’ve always believed that parents have to be careful about attributing every problem to adoption. Adoption brings its own problems, but often growing up brings just as many. We have to walk that fine line of watching for adoption-related issues, but not always assuming that adoption is the root of all problems.

Chance Meeting Leads to Adoption

2008-01-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, this article has nothing to do with Korean adoption, but it is a warm fuzzy story. I thought I’d pass it on.

Link: Chance Meeting Leads to Adoption

Growth Charts

2008-01-09T09:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my son’s four year doctor’s appointment. He had to get four shots and I’m not sure who was the most traumatized. I think it might have been me.

Anyhow, I was comparing the growth chart that I received from the doctor with the Korean growth chart and I was a little surprised to see that it matched. My son was 50th percentile on both charts. When I was little, I was always on the very bottom of the U.S. growth chart and my sister barely made the chart. My parents always wrote it off as a cultural difference. Both my sister and I grew to a pretty normal height by U.S. standards, but we did it much later in our lives than our friends.

Here is a link to a site that has growth charts for all different countries. It’s funny how your preconceived notions can be stomped on in a single moment.

Explaining The Wait

2008-01-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

No one likes to wait, but it has been my experience that adoption is all about waiting. My son’s adoption was a happy surprise for me because we didn’t wait nearly as long as I thought we would. In fact, it took me completely by surprise. I do not have high hopes that our second will be as quick.

My family can be considered veterans of the adoption process. I’m not too worried about them. They know all about waiting and they were just as surprised by our quick adoption process as I was. I am worried about everyone else – my husband’s family, my friends and my co-workers. No matter how many times I tell them that it will be a lot longer, they still seem to think it’s coming soon.

It has always been my opinion that getting your hopes up or taking the earliest part of the estimate can just lead to more disappointment. As far as adoption goes, I tend to think about the worse case scenarios. I’m not a pessimistic person, but I am aware of the fact that I only control a very small part of the process. There’s a lot less stress for me when I remember that.

I hope everyone else figures that out soon. It’s a little stressful to explain the situation over and over and over…

After The Holidays

2008-01-01T19:06:00.001-05:00

It is officially the end of the holidays and my world can return to some semblance of normalcy. No more marathon shopping trips. No more return trips because I bought the wrong thing. No more store to store searches for the hard to find items. No more holiday parties. I can feel sanity returning as I write.

Can We Protect Too Much?

2007-12-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

We’ve been hearing a lot of bad things in the news lately – disrupted adoptions after seven years, a Korean adoptee killed by mother, etc…. I think there is a knee jerk reaction among parents to protect our adoptees from stories like this. When I heard about the disrupted adoption, I was telling my husband about it and I realized we were whispering so that my four year old didn’t hear.

We deal with a lot of different obstacles. Stories like these make big news. The fact that the baby who was killed was a Korean adoptee overshadows the larger issue – a child is no longer with us. On top of that you have the general insensitive questions and comments from friends and neighbors. There are adoptees that are avidly against adoption. There are people who are not even affiliated with the process who are avidly against adoption. It can make you want to crawl in bed with the covers over you head, but it’s too late now. You have to deal with it.

I don’t think that all children need protected. Looking back, I realize that my parents rarely did. Oh, I suspect that there were some things that I never heard about, but there were things that I did hear about. I knew that not all adoptions went well. I knew that some adoptees did bad things. Specifically, I remember hearing that a boy about my age burnt down his school for non-adoption related reasons.

Each one of these items can be a talking point. I think it’s important that adoptees know that their world doesn’t have to be candy and roses. Bad things happen and I think there is more insecurity if we hear about the bad things from someone else or from somewhere else. I can’t even imagine what a younger child would feel after reading one of the many articles out there right now about the Dutch diplomat’s disrupted adoption. I can tell you how I felt. I was unsettled.

If we as parents are not willing to face the issues, how can we ever expect our children to come to us when they have concerns?

Preliminary Application

2007-12-16T11:44:00.000-05:00

It’s done and I’m still breathing normally. I completed our preliminary application and submitted it over the web. We have officially started the process for our second child.

Now, I have only a few issues to worry about. First, the process has already slowed down quite a bit in 2007 because of the new laws in Korea. Second, the newest news stories have not been showing the adoption process in the best of lights. Finally, I still have to worry about cutting costs in our household to make sure we have the money by the time the referral comes.

We had not planned to submit our preliminary application this early. We had actually planned to do it towards the end of 2008. However, when we asked at our adoption agencies holiday party, they suggested that we do it now. That’s how much slower the process is taking right now.

So, while there is a certain amount of excitement behind this step. I have resigned myself to a long wait.

Withholding Judgment

2007-12-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

My mind just hasn’t been into writing these last few months. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to form words into coherent sentences. This is a rather odd feeling for me…generally words are tripping out in attempt to free up some space in my brain for other useless pursuits.

So, just as I was thinking it was time to write again, I am faced with e-mail after e-mail about the Dutch diplomat who has relinquished his seven year old Korean adopted daughter in Hong Kong. My mailbox is full of newsgroup articles from the last two months, but I’ve decided not to go backwards too far. However, the last dozen or so e-mails are all about this sad story and I find myself trying to reconcile all of the different feelings that it caused.

My initial reaction matches most of the other reactions that I’ve seen. I was shocked, angry and (strangely enough) hurt. Whenever I hear things like this, it always makes me wonder about my own life. What if that had been me? How would I have felt? I inwardly ranted at the parents that had so little belief in family.

On one of the groups that I belong to, there is an adoptee who was part of a disrupted adoption. She believes that it was a good thing. She was able to find a home where she belonged and she has been happy there. It made me think.

This is a beautiful holiday season right now. It’s a time to really look at ourselves and believe in other people. While I am not ready to absolve these people of all wrongs, I have made myself step back a little and remember that we don’t know all of the facts. We have what the media has reported to us and, while I am a great supporter of media, they are not always an unbiased source. Within the articles, I heard quite a few phrases that made me stop and reflect. Many of the papers are reporting the little girl as happy. If I was seven and suddenly my parents weren’t there, I don’t think happy would be a word to describe how I felt. It is, however, a sign of attachment disorder…a sign that the little girl might have no attachment to her family.

It’s all guess work on my part. I don’t know if they are the monsters that some have made them out to be or if they are just as much victims as the little girl. My point is that we be careful before we crucify someone for circumstances that we don’t know. For now, I’m doing my best to withhold judgment. After all, I have to remember that if fate had chosen to push me in another direction…I could be this adoptee or the parent trying to make tough decisions.

Attachment

2007-11-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

My sister and her boyfriend came for a visit awhile ago. I think I’ve mentioned before that my son worships the ground that she walks on. That certainly hasn’t changed. My husband and my sister’s boyfriend stayed home to yell at the television (football) while I took my parents, sister and son to visit Trader Joe’s. We needed to get some things for dinner and my parents wanted to pick up some things to take home.

My son took my sister’s hand and led her all around the store. She was very patient and I don’t think she was able to see everything that she wanted to see. I watched them and realized that there was a bond there that was special. My sister, who was never very interested in children, will pretty much let my son call all the shots. My son will quote his Aunt C as if she is the fountain of all wisdom.

It made me think about bonds in general. When I read about attachment issues, I am thankful that I did not experience attachment problems (with myself or my son). Bonds are something that I think a lot of people take for granted. There are no guarantees of bonding – not for biological or adoptive families.

Despite the fact that I haven’t needed to read about attachment, I still find that it is helpful for me to read about it. There is one blogger that I really enjoy reading. She is down to earth and full of interesting life experiences.

Link: Attachment

US Foster Care Article

2007-11-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

Article: For foster-care kids, adoption remains elusive

How disheartening to see the number of children in our country (US) who are looking for a home. There are 114,000 children available for adoption through the foster care system.

Many people have asked me why we chose to adopt from Korea instead of domestically. After I get over the knee jerk reaction of wondering why it's their business, I generally answer that, for me, it was simple. I was adopted from Korea and that’s really where my heart was.

However, I will admit that that there was also that underlying fear that there was that possibility of holding a child and having the birth parents change their minds. Unfortunately, the images that stay in my mind are of children being removed from homes after years…I know they are rare, but it’s a lasting image.

I have always believed that the foster care system requires massive overhaul and (from the sound of it) an image makeover as well.

I Took A Detour

2007-11-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

Since my son’s arrival, I have been a lot more engrossed in Korean adoption than I was before. I’ve been making the rounds, checking the sites and writing my posts. However, for the last month, I’ve been slacking a little. I haven’t been keeping up with any of the other bloggers, so I’m not sure what the newest buzz might be. I haven’t been reading my news alerts. I haven’t been coming up with new ideas for posts.

Quite frankly, I’ve been too busy to let adoption rule my life. I have work, family, friends and a three year old that needs to get to soccer practice. I had to search stores and catalogs for the perfect firefighter outfit that my son requested for Halloween and (oh the horror) I had to clean my house to accommodate the various visitors.

I absolutely refuse to feel guilt for this little detour that I’ve taken. After all, my goal has never been to allow my adoption to rule my life. The goal is remember that adoption is a part of my life. However, I am painstakingly making it through as many of the news alerts and blog posts that I can right now and I am looking for ideas again…feel free to e-mail me if you have anything you would like to hear about. (koreaadopt@gmail.com)

Educating Teachers?

2007-09-16T09:38:00.000-04:00

Margie from the Thirdmom blog wrote an essay and republished it to the Anti-Racist Parent site and I thought it deserved to be passed on. It also reminded me (once again) how different adoptees can be and how different adoptive parents can be as well. The essay is about helping teachers understand adoption and adoption language.

I honestly don’t recall what my parents did. Truthfully, I’m not sure they did anything. My parents were pretty well known in the community and just about everyone knew that I was adopted. I was also one of a half dozen minorities in the school district so it wasn’t hard to pinpoint who was who. To tell you the truth, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with my son either. I’m probably going to ask him what he wants me to do. I’m big on that…because I know how differently I reacted to things from how my sister reacted.

I broadcasted my adopted status to whoever would listen…teachers and fellow students alike. To me, it was like a “badge of honor” and it made me special. There are many essays out in the internet world about not making it the child’s responsibility to educate others about their adoption. I agree with that and I disagree with that. Once again, I think you have to know your child. I thrived on it. There were times that I got tired of answering the same questions and a little annoyed that people thought they had the right to the answers. I think that’s natural…but I liked having the answers.

Margie wrote, “One thing we DON’T want to do is give teachers the impression that individual children should be singled out for alternative assignments.” While I would have stood up and given a lecture about adoption, my sister would have been horrified. I also think she would have been upset if my parents had tried to educate her teachers. My sister’s goal was to be as much like everyone else as possible. She didn’t want to answer questions or be singled out. I think that she would have been horrified if she thought there was even the potential that her teacher was even thinking about adoption. It wasn’t really that my sister didn’t want to be adopted (she was fine with that part). She just didn’t want everyone to think about it first.

I liked this article, because it’s about being prepared. I think all parents (adoptive or not) should try to be prepared. A lot of times, people don’t think beyond the sweet babies that look at you and see the center of their universe. Sometimes, I think parents are too sensitive and I wonder who is more upset by an issue – the parent or the adoptee. However, I think that there is a healthy medium that can be followed.

I read these articles, essays, posts, etc… to remind myself that I have to think outside the box. It never would have occurred to me to educate a teacher because:

1. I never needed my parents to do it.
2. My sister would have rebelled.
3. Talk about family trees/histories never bothered me in school.
4. If I heard any negative references to adoption, they never registered.
5. Etc…

Adoption in Korea

2007-09-15T10:38:00.000-04:00

Whenever I can, I check out what’s happening on the Green Fertility website. Most of the time, it’s not applicable to me, but every once in awhile she sneaks in something of interest. Marie Lee is a Korean-American (not an adoptee), so I am always interested in her perspective on life in general.

Anyhow, recently she posted an article by Kim Tae-jong from the Korea Times about adoption in Korea that I thought was interesting and a link to essay that she wrote about working with Korean birth mothers.

The article interested me because it started out positive, but there was a feeling of “no change” in the rest of the article. It started like this:

“About 60 percent of all adoptions were made domestically in the first half of this year, making it the first time for them to surpass overseas adoptions.”

This is positive. While obviously I am okay with foreign adoption, I still would like to see things change in Korea. I would like to see adoption become an accepted way to grow a family and I would like to see Korea become more accepting of single mothers so that adoption is not necessary. I agree with Marie’s statement, “I still think the best, most important thing to be done is to help birthmothers who WANT to keep their children to give them the cultural and financial supports so they can raise them on their own.”

Unfortunately, the rest of the article does not maintain that up beat beginning. It goes on to say:

“A ministry spokesman said the ``increase'' is largely attributed to a new law prioritizing domestic adoption to overseas adoption _ rather than changing attitudes towards adoption _ as well as tax incentives and campaigns to encourage domestic adoptions.”

I know from the various message boards that I subscribe to that there were very few referrals the first half of the year no matter which agency people were going through. While they can boast that there were more domestic adoptions than foreign adoptions, it does not account for all the children who were waiting for the end of the mandatory five month waiting period.

“As a result, more children are now housed at childcare centers or with temporary families awaiting adoption.”

Enough said.

TB Infections Among International Adoptees

2007-09-14T11:49:00.000-04:00

I came across this article from The Canadian Press about a study that followed 869 foreign-born children adopted into the United States.

The American study followed up on 869 foreign-born children adopted into U.S. families from 1986 through 2001. Twelve per cent of the children were infected with tuberculosis and the rate of TB infections among the adoptees rose seven per cent with each passing year through the period studied.

It’s a shame that with all of the new modern technologies, that we are still facing some of the same problems.

TB rates among the children in the American study ranged from nearly 15 per cent in adoptees from Eastern Europe, 14 per cent from Russia and 13 per cent from Korea to between 12.5 per cent and 11 per cent in India, China and South America, 8.3 per cent in Central America and the Caribbean and 2.8 per cent in Southeast Asia.

Below is a link to the full article. I just hope that instead of catching TB on this end of the process, we are able to do something to keep children from ever contracting the disease (or any other).

Link: TB Infections Among International Adoptees

Blood Purity

2007-09-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

Link: Article

I found this article in the Korean Times about “blood purity.” It was the title of the article that caught me and I had to read what it said. The UN has advised Korea not to use the term.

The International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (CERD), a UN-affiliated organization said in a report that ``the emphasis placed on the ethnic homogeneity of Korea may represent an obstacle to the promotion of understanding tolerance and friendship among the different ethnic and national groups living on its territory.'' It also asked the government to promote banning the usage of term ``pure blood'' and ``mixed-blood.''

The concept has always confused me anyway. Growing up as an adopted child, blood relations were not something that we talked about with any regularity in my family. No one in my family (extended family included) used phrases like “blood is thicker than water” because in our family it was pretty meaningless. Because that was the attitude of my family, I picked up a “why do they care” attitude and let it go there.

The concept of blood, purity and relations is not a new one to human culture. In fact, we’ve seen it played and replayed in most cultures. Even though I am less enthralled with the idea that blood matters, I still fall into the same pitfalls on occasion. After we adopted my son, my husband and I were talking about what we would do if the agency called to tell us that our son had a biological sibling. I announced that I would move heaven and earth to adopt that child. My husband (though not opposed to the concept) asked me why it would matter, if blood doesn’t matter…I detest when he makes me think.

I do think that it’s a little unrealistic to think that a country like Korea (steeped in tradition) can just change something like this over night. I suspect that the term “blood purity” will be difficult to shed in Korea. You can look at the United States as an example of how long something has to be a part of the culture before it becomes common practice – like Civil Rights. Even now we don’t have that quite right and the United States is far from perfect.

``What is blood purity? Is there such as thing as pure blood? If so, is mixed blood not pure but dirty?'' Kim Susan, a researcher of the National Human Rights Commission of the Republic of Korea (NHRC), said. To the question of whether ``mixed blood'' is just a term referring to people who are born from parents with different nationalities, she asked, ``If we just take them as `human,' we will never have to label them in such a way,'' she said.

Truthfully, the whole date reminded me of the Harry Potter books and the use of the term “mudbloods” to describe children of non-wizards. Still, it was an interesting article and one that I hope you find interesting too.

Movie: Father On Death Row

2007-09-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

Link: Father On Death Row Review

I found this review of a Korean movie called “Father On Death Row.” It is about a Korean Adoptee who returns to Korea to find his biological father and discovers that he has been convicted of killing two people. The actor, David Henney, is the son of a Korean Adoptee.

I also found this post on Harlow’s Monkey that has a You Tube summary of the movie.

Label Sensitivity

2007-09-06T08:36:00.000-04:00

Awhile back, I realized how label happy I was. When telling a story, I felt it necessary to describe the people in the story – the Black woman, the Asian man, the Jewish family, etc.... Now, I try really hard not to describe people unless it is necessary to the story. After Virginia Tech, I was pretty concerned by the fact that the media felt it necessary to constantly preface that Cho was from South Korea and I worried about the repercussions.

I’m not writing this post as a slap to those people who use labels as a way to divide people. I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself that I have to take a step back. The other day, I took my son to one of those big indoor play areas. He immediately started playing with a little girl his age. The father was on the phone with his wife and I heard him say, “She’s having a lot of fun. She’s playing with a little boy.”

There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything that he was saying, so why was I tense? I was waiting for him to tell his wife that his daughter was playing with “the little Asian boy.” Of course, he didn’t, but I was prepared to call my husband and complain about the evils of labeling. It is easy to fall into this negative world (both adoptees and parents of adoptees) where you automatically expect the worst.

So, this is a reminder to me - relax, think positive, and smile.

Book Review: Bee-Bim Bop

2007-09-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

Bee-Bim Bop
By Linda Sue Park

I love this book. It takes you through the steps of making Bee-Bim Bop (a popular Korean dish) in a fun easy to read way. My three-year old is already quoting the book and we only read it a few times. Best of all, there is an easy to follow recipe for Bee-Bim Bop in the back of the book. We borrowed the book from the library, but I just ordered it so that we’d have it for our bookshelves.

Admittedly, part of my enjoyment of this book is that Bee-Bim Bop is my absolute favorite Korean food.

On Common Bonds…

2007-08-22T14:21:00.000-04:00

I took a short unexpected hiatus. Before my son’s arrival, my husband and I were pretty boring people. We stayed at home most weekends. Now, it seems like we have multiple somethings going on each weekend and most week days. To top it off, I’ve signed my son up for soccer (at his request) and I’m contemplating swimming lessons. I’m having a hard time remembering the “boring” days, but I am thinking of them fondly at the moment.

Anyhow, I have meant to respond to a comment on my earlier post. The commenter was mentioning the fact that adoption is not always enough to bind adoptive parents together. I agree one hundred percent. It’s also not enough to bind adoptees together.

I’ve always believed that having a common bond can bring people together, but it takes more than just one common bond to keep people together. People have mentioned the fact that I don’t have any friends who are Korean adoptees and I currently don’t have any friends who have adopted Korean adoptees. I have acquaintances who are Korean adoptees and parents of Korean adoptees. I enjoy their company, but they aren’t on the same level as friends. I wrote about it before (but I can’t remember when or where) because everyone always seems to think that Korean adoptees should automatically be friends (thus the playgroups and the multitude of get togethers). It’s like saying that all people with blond hair and blue eyes should be friends.

I met my friend C on the first day of college. We were assigned as roommates. We had an instant connection. On the surface, we were very different – blond hair v. black hair, blue eyes v. brown eyes, etc… On the inside, we are also very different – politics, religion, etc… However, we enjoy each other’s company and none of the differences matter. That is a common bond.

So, my general opinion is it never hurts to throw yourself into situations where you will meet other adoptees and parents of adoptees, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t find a connection. I know I don’t.

Lawn Mowers and Childhood Development

2007-08-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

Our lawn mower decided to give up last week. My husband was mowing the lawn, my son was watching him from my bedroom window and I was checking my e-mail when we all heard the same sound. It was an indescribable shrill metal sound that ended in complete silence. My son phrased it best – uh oh.

Off we went to the mall to buy a new lawn mower. In our effort to become more and more green, we bought an electric mower, instead of gas. According to the sales representative, they are more durable than the gas mowers and they are much quieter. We haven’t actually taken it out of the box yet, but I’ll let you know when we do.

Anyhow, what does this have to do with childhood development? While my husband was trying to choose a mower, my son and I went to the kid’s play area. I like the one at our mall because there is only one exit. I can easily station myself at the entrance and make sure he can’t escape.

Recently, I have noticed that my son is becoming more and more self-aware. He talks about us being Korean and he points to other Asian people and calls them Korean. (I don’t have enough energy to try and explain the multitude of Asian nations yet. We’ll do that later.) For the most part, in his world, you are either Korean or you’re not Korean.

We walked into the play area and there were kids running everywhere. He took off his shoes and took off running before I had even taken a seat. Suddenly, he came running back. “What’s wrong?” I asked. He looked puzzled. “Mama, why are all the peoples Black?” I was stunned. I looked around and sure enough all of the kids in the play area happened to be Black. “That’s just the way it is today,” I told him. He shrugged his shoulders and took off running again, leaving me to contemplate when he had developed to this new stage.

Adoption – The Word

2007-08-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

Awhile back, there was a very interesting conversation on one of my boards about the use of the word “adoption” and I’ve been thinking about it. The vastly different points of view are why I like belonging to these groups. Though admittedly, they don’t tend to change my mind…I like to know where people are coming from. It keeps me from getting too frustrated or mad when I understand where a line of thought is coming from.

Background: An adoptee has requested a Webkinz for her birthday. The parent is worried because children are required to “adopt” their stuffed pet. How do you make your child understand the difference between their own adoption and the adoption of a toy? This sparked a lively debate about the general dislike of the use of the word adoption for things like “adopt-a-highway” and “adopt-a-family.”

My Reaction: Okay, I’ll admit it...the question initially amused me. Then, I remembered to take a look at the other side because there are people out there who really feel strongly about the subject. Personally, I just think of the word “adopt” as one of those words that have a lot of meanings and definitions. The word itself is not important, it’s the context. In my thirty-some years, I have adopted a highway, a pet, a doll, several contracts…you get the picture. I never ever considered that there might be a problem with the use of the word. This is the reason I belong to these groups.

I thought about it and I don’t think my parents ever addressed this particular issue. Perhaps they took it for granted that I knew there was a difference between me and a highway. Most likely, they looked at the word a lot like I do and it never occurred to them to worry about it. I’ll have to ask.

My son has a Webkinz frog. My sister works for the company who makes them and she gave it to him as a present. He loves his frog. His frog goes to bed with him, to school, on trips, etc… and he tells everyone that his Aunt C gave it to him. So, when we registered his frog online…I think I said something like, “Look T, you’re adopting your frog just like we adopted you.” I wrote this to my group and I could feel the electronic winces as the other parents read my statement. It just goes to show how different we all are.

A Different Kind of Reunion

2007-08-03T07:56:00.000-04:00

This past week-end we went to our adoption agency’s annual picnic. It’s one of those things that I would never do on my own, but as a parent feel obligated to attend. I like seeing all the children running around and I love seeing how my son’s plane-mates have grown. The two little girls have grown, with my son being right in the middle height-wise – I is taller and C is shorter. Nothing has changed. Like at all adoption agency events, I was able to get some cute pictures of the three of them that I will put in my albums so that we can see how they changed over time.

My son was talking with our social worker (another reason I like to go) this time. He looked at her and said, “You were at the airport when I came.” She looked at him and said, “Do you remember that?” He nodded his head. She told him that she didn’t think he really remembered her. I explained that he’s been watching the DVD of his arrival recently, so that’s how he remembers her.

They had some Korean food there. The Korean barbecued beef (my son’s favorite) and some kimchi (not my son’s favorite). So, my son had an ethnically diverse lunch (Korean beef, a hotdog, grapes and a bag of chips).

My husband’s parents came too. They like spending the time with my son and I think they get a kick out of seeing the girls. Otherwise, they are just good sports giving up their afternoon to stand in the hot sun and watch little kids throw bean bags through an Elmo picture. My son had a blast. He talked about Grandma and Grandpa going to "the Korean" (that’s what he calls all events that have to do with Korean things). He told my mother that he saw C and I. He told her that he saw a clown with balloons and a fire truck.

All in all, it was worth it. I won’t have to remind myself of that in the future…my son will do it for me.

In The News – French Korean Adoptee Returns To Korea

2007-08-02T08:36:00.000-04:00

Link: The Hankyoreh

I found this article and I thought it was interesting. It’s about a man who was adopted from Korea by a couple in France in 1972. He is participating in a program run by Holt Children’s Services for Korean adoptees. Since I also came through Holt (in 1975), it is interesting to see what other Holt Korean adoptees are doing.

Book Review – Peach Heaven

2007-08-01T09:41:00.000-04:00

Peach Heaven by Yangsook Choi

This is a book about a little girl in Puchon, South Korea who loves peaches. After a huge storm, it looks as if it’s raining peaches and it’s a dream come true. However, the little girl realizes that her peaches mean that the farmers have lost their crop. The little girl organizes her friends and they gather the peaches and take them back to the farmers.

For those of us who do not live in Korea, it is a small glimpse of a real event in Korean history and a good teaching story (no matter what country you are from). I enjoyed it and my son listened intently. However, I would suggest the book for children in Kindergarten or older. The pictures are wonderful.

In the News: Kimchi and Calamari

2007-07-20T12:35:00.000-04:00

Kimchi and Calamari – By Rose Kent

Link: Book Review

I keep meaning to read this book, but I haven’t gotten to it yet. So, I don’t have an opinion yet, but I thought I’d put it out here for anyone who wants to take a look.

My Thoughts on Korean Holidays

2007-07-17T08:21:00.000-04:00

Everyone is always asking me if I celebrate the Korean holidays. When I go to Korean adoption gatherings, it’s always one of the first questions other parents ask me. I always feel a little awkward when I answer, because I generally feel the disapproval radiating from them as they walk away.

I generally don’t. No one is to blame for this phenomenon. My parents would have helped me do whatever I needed to do, but I really don’t feel comfortable celebrating Korean holidays. I like to study Korean holidays and learn what they are all about, but I don’t celebrate them. Some tell me that if my parents had done a better job at educating me when I was younger, I wouldn’t feel this way…but, I’m afraid that I’m going to disagree.

I have always believed that I am lucky. I was raised with a wealth of culture…American, Irish, German, Korean, a little bit of Scottish thrown in…and a healthy respect for all cultures. It’s been my longstanding belief that I am lucky because I don’t have to choose one culture. I don’t think that it’s necessary to choose one culture over another. Over the years, I believe that I have chosen a culture that is uniquely my own.

It is my respect for culture and the Korean culture that keeps me from celebrating Korean holidays on a regular basis and, when I do, I am very careful about how I present myself. I am who I am and I can’t change that…nor do I want to. For me, it seems disrespectful for me to celebrate a holiday that I don’t truly feel a connection to…it’s like I’m playing at being something that I’m not and that’s not what those holidays are about. For the same reason I would never celebrate Kwanza or Chanukah, I don’t choose to celebrate Korean holidays.

I am aware that there are Korean adoptees that have incorporated Korean culture into their own unique culture. They feel a connection and they celebrate with their hearts. I applaud them and I am glad that they have found what they are looking for. I just have to remind myself that I can’t lose my identity because someone else tells me that I’ve gone down the wrong path. Despite what people tell me, I haven’t lost anything. On the contrary, I have gained everything.

Naturally Black Hair

2007-07-11T12:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, I admit it. I put some subtle brown highlights in my hair. My natural color is very black and I wanted a little variation. My sister went through a period of time where her hair was almost blond. Recently, she dyed it a very dark brown (with a few highlights) to bring it closer to her natural color.

Just in case you are wondering, my sister and I did not highlight our hair because of a desire to look more White or because I have been brainwashed by my adoptive parents. First of all, I know more ethnic Koreans with dyed hair than Korean adoptees with dyed hair. Second, my sister did it because she’s stylish and it looked really good on her. I did it because I told my husband that I wanted people to get used to me with a slightly lighter shade when I have to dye out the gray (though it hasn’t happened yet).

You notice that I said my sister dyed her hair dark brown (not black). I have yet to see a good “black” hair dye. Generally, when people dye their hair black they look like an escapee from Elvira’s beauty school. Black dye tends to look unnatural and dull. I really think that people should leave “black” hair to the people who are born with it.

Just so you know, this random rant came about because one of my son’s teachers dyed her hair black. I’m just not impressed.

Book Review: Where on Earth is My Bagel?

2007-07-08T13:16:00.000-04:00

“Where on Earth is My Bagel?” was written by Frances Park and Ginger Park. I recently borrowed it from the library, but I may have to make it a part of my personal library. I loved it. It’s about a little boy in South Korea who is searching for a New York bagel. I found the story to be whimsical and amusing.

My son was very confused at why the little boy could not find a bagel…after all, my son knows which row at the grocery store has shelves full of bagels. My parents often call my son “bagel boy” because he likes them so much. At age three, he was too young to understand that he was seeing a little glimpse of Korea in the book…but he did mention that he liked the clothes with all the colors.

Age aside, I enjoyed seeing a little glimpse of Korea, following Yum Yung on his search and witnessing that first bite of the treasured bagel. I would recommend this book. It is a delightful mix of modern day story and Korean folktale.

Celebrating in July

2007-07-06T22:05:00.000-04:00

For me, Independence Day is all about family. In my family, the 4th of July is all about fireworks and apple pie (literally). Everyone comes to my parents’ house on the 3rd to watch the fireworks (because we can see them from their back yard) and then everyone stays for dessert. On the 4th, everyone goes to a pond on family property for a big picnic – potato salad, hotdogs and brownies. It’s tradition. I like traditions.

A lot of people see the 4th of July as another day that they get off of work. The part of my brain that carries all of the facts that my History major provided remembers exactly what the day means to the country. I believe in it. The more personal part of my brain will always see it as a time for family.

It occurred to me while I was watching the fireworks that in South Korea, July 4th is just another day…just like July 17th is just another day in the United States. In Korea, July 17th is Constitution Day – a day to celebrate the creation of their constitution. I don’t celebrate the Korean holidays (as a general rule) and I took constitutional law courses in college, so I’m not in a huge hurry to read another one. I do, however, always feel a compulsion to let everyone know that I am aware that it exists.

What Color Am I?

2007-07-01T22:20:00.000-04:00

I am continuously awed by the mind of a child. My friend’s little boy, L, is starting to understand that people look different. He decided that he is brown and that my son is black. As L is about as White as you can be, I would love to know why his mind took him down this particular path. He doesn’t have the words yet to explain why he sees these colors when he looks at himself and my son.

Though I have a vague recollection of when I figured out I didn’t look like my friends, I don’t remember how I came to the realization or how I categorized people. I suspect that it comes a little earlier for children who have more than one race in their home. I have no facts to base that statement on, it would just seem logical that a child would care to notice family before friends.

The glorious part of the child’s brain is that L has noticed that there is a difference between him and my son, but he really doesn’t care beyond the need to make the observation.

Korean Adoptee Opera Professional

2007-06-29T10:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I forget that I’m an adult. Oh, I know I am and I act like one (most days), but I sometimes forget to correctly categorize myself in the adult column. So, when I came across this article about Andrew Gangestad, a Korean adoptee Opera Singer, I was amazed to see that he was my age. For some reason, performers always feel older to me (though pop stars seem to be getting younger).

This article from the Yonhap News Agency is about Gangstead’s first trip back to South Korea and his search for his birth parents.

He believes that it must have been a tough decision for his biological parents to do what they had to do.

"I would also like to show them my accomplishments. I want to let them know what I have done," he said.

I thought that it was pretty great that he had learned a couple of Korean songs for his trip and I wish him luck. I hadn’t realized just how small the chances of locating birth families were until I read this article.

According to government statistics, 13,068 overseas adoptees made efforts to locate their biological families in 2005, but only 316 -- about 2 percent -- were reunited.

However, I suspect that the percentage will change with the more recent Korean adoptees. More and more Korean adoptees seem to be coming with birth family information that make search a little easier.

In The News - KAD Article

2007-06-28T19:27:00.000-04:00

Here is a link to an article that was written by a Korean adoptee. It’s an interesting point of view. Though I am not in agreement with everything he had to say, it’s always good to check out all the different ideas.

Graduation Parties and Korean Adoptees

2007-06-25T12:30:00.000-04:00

A couple of week-ends ago, we went to a graduation party for my husband’s cousin. I’m generally uncomfortable at these events because I feel like I’m wearing a huge sign that says, “Minority Alert.” My husband’s family is very White (though so is mine). Around his immediate family, I’m comfortable because they are used to me. It’s at these big events where I don’t know most of the people that I feel uncomfortable. I always feel like people are staring at me and wondering why I’m there. I’m pretty sure that most of it is in my head, but regardless it makes me feel like all eyes are on me.

Regardless of my own continued insecurities, I actually had an interesting encounter at this party. A couple arrived (who liked like all the other people that were already there)were White, but behind them were four very Asian teenagers. One of them was wearing a shirt with a Korean flag across the front.

It turns out I did know half of the group. When I first met my husband, I knew that the neighbors of my husband’s aunt and uncle had two Korean adoptees. I had seen them once when they were very small. I did know that the father had passed away and that the family had moved. The mother eventually remarried a man who also had two Korean adoptees. What are the odds of that?

Anyhow, they had just taken a trip to Korea. The parents told me all about the experience. They visited Korea Social Services (which is where my son came through), Korean birth mothers and the children’s foster parents. They also were able to visit all of the general tourist sites and the border between North Korea and South Korea. We will definitely make this trip when my son is old enough to understand the significance of the trip.

Three Years Ago...

2007-06-22T10:53:00.000-04:00

Three years ago today, my son arrived from Korea. I reminded my son about it this morning. He looked a little confused. I was trying to explain that today was the anniversary of his arrival, but we’re having some problems understanding the concept of yesterday, today and tomorrow. It’s really not easy to explain and close to impossible for a three year old to truly understand. Besides, he was too excited about a picture of race cars that I brought home from work.

I had considered taking cupcakes or something like that to school today for his class, but I decided against it for two reasons. One, I’m not sure how my son is going to react to adoption when he’s older. There is a chance that he won’t want his adoption broadcasted to everyone and their second cousin – it might be more of a private matter to him. We won’t know for another couple of years. Second, I’ve been doing my best to make sure that his arrival day doesn’t become another birthday. Arrival day should be about family and our goal is to do something as a family to celebrate. My husband is desperate to buy him a toy (because he wants the toy), but I keep reminding him to stay strong.

So, we’re off to the zoo again, tomorrow. We’ve celebrated at the zoo every year so far. Next year, he can choose where he wants to go, but this year he was picking some wild locations so I chose for him. The goal has been to keep it just us (myself, my husband and my son); however, this year he demanded that my sister come as well. My son worships the ground that his Aunt C walks on. It seemed right since my sister is also adopted from Korea and then she invited my parents. So, our small outing has gotten a little bigger.

Father’s Day

2007-06-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

Happy Father’s Day! I’ve always had an easy relationship with my father. In many ways, we are kindred spirits. We have very similar personalities and we enjoy some of the same things. When I was little, I was Daddy’s shadow. I wanted to go where he went and do what he was doing. My husband is very much his own person, but he reminds me a lot of my father when it comes to parenting. From the beginning he has changed diapers, stayed home when our son is sick, ironed clothes and cooked dinner. Perhaps it is my relationship with my father and my husband that makes me hypersensitive to birth fathers.

It’s always struck me as interesting that parents of adoptees are always talking about birth mothers and never about birth fathers. I think that it’s an unintentional snub, but it happens none the less. A lot of it has to do with the fact that the majority of the people on these boards are women and we tend to identify with our own gender. Perhaps it is because society still expects the female to be the primary caregiver. I’m sure that there are a variety of reasons, but I’ve decided not to allow it in my little part of the world.

When I was little, my mother generally talked about my birth mother. She rarely mentioned my birth father. I never really thought much about it and it didn’t bother me, but now I realize that I probably felt a stronger interest in my birth father. Though I never had an urge to search for my birth parents, I did have the standard day dream about what would happen if I did find them. Looking back, I realize that almost all of my day dreams were about finding my birth father and not my birth mother (a psychiatrist would probably have a field day with that).

With my son, I’ve tried to mention his birth parents as a unit. We talk about both with equal intensity because I want my son to think about both of his birth parents. So, today on Father’s Day, we gave his Daddy a card that he had carefully scribbled on the night before and I thought of all the fathers in my life – My father, my husband, my father-in-law, my birth father and my son’s birth father. What a joy to know that your life is so full.

Going Green

2007-06-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

We’re on a quest to go green in my household. Little by little, we’ve replaced all of the lights in our house with the more energy efficient coil light bulbs. We’ve attempted to limit our water usage (not as easy as it sounded) and keep our air conditioner on lower than we did last summer. Recycling has become a buzz word in our house and we try to drive our more gas efficient vehicle whenever possible. Some things came easy for us, but others are proving a little harder.

Anyhow, we took another step today and I wanted to share it because a lot of people don’t seem to know that it exists. We enrolled in a program through our electric company. We pay a little extra and they agree to use renewable sources for the amount of energy that we use. It cost us a little more, but with the other energy saving measures that we’ve been putting in place, we’re pretty sure we’re going to break even and breathe a little easier.

I’m excited.

Korean Food Insecurities

2007-06-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday, I went to a new Korean restaurant in our area (new for me anyway) and I enjoyed it a lot. There is no silverware at this one, so I got to laugh at my husband try to use the chopsticks. He’s not bad, but he’s not good either. I love Bee-Bim Bop (with the spicy paste) and at this one they add the egg to the top, which I loved.

I always mark it as a sign of a good ethnic restaurant when most of the patrons are of the same ethnic background, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that most of the people in the room were Korean. My son noticed right away and announced the fact to everyone in the room. Once I got past the fact that everyone was looking at us, I was pretty pleased that he is finally starting to see the differences that make us Korean.

We left the restaurant and we were already talking about going back. I’m very fond of Korean food and we rarely choose Korean when we go out. I realize that this is mostly my fault (because my husband loves it and would go anytime I asked). Mostly it has to do with my own insecurities. Korean restaurants have more complexity to their meal preparation (at least in our area) and I always feel like I should know how to do put everything together. It’s ridiculous, of course. This is something that is taught and not genetic, but a part of me is still too embarrassed to ask the questions. Definitely, this is something that I have to work through.

I suppose, to a lesser extent, this is the way some Korean adoptees feel about their lives. When I read posts by some Korean adoptees that express their frustration with having lost a part of their culture, I have been slightly baffled by the concept. Personally, I never felt that way so it’s hard for me to put myself in their position. Given a frame of reference, I thought about how I’d feel if my how life felt like that moment in the restaurant and I came up with a pretty disturbing picture. It’s definitely something for me to think about.

The Books of Summer

2007-06-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

I generally equate books with summer. When I was still in school, summer was when I read books. During the school year, you had other things to worry about…homework, band practice, friends, etc… and there was no time to read for pleasure. Summer was different. During the summer, no one told you to hurry up and that you had things that needed to get done first. In the summer, I could read as much as I wanted.

When I was around twelve or thirteen, I remember getting on my bicycle and riding to the library. The library was at least a mile and a half away, but nothing (except thunder storms) could keep me away. I would leave my bicycle near the entrance and enter the air-conditioned lobby of the library. On the first floor, they had a good sized room with all the new books that had arrived and then I would head upstairs where the adult reading books were kept.

By thirteen, I had really outgrown the young adult section and I had found the adult section in the back corner. There were shelves of books there - romances, science fiction and mysteries. I had convinced myself that I was going to read every book from A-Z. After a few really bad books, I abandoned that idea and went back to reading the back covers and the inside flaps to determine the suitability of the story. It was not uncommon for me to leave the library with eight to ten books tucked safely in my backpack and it was equally likely that I would return them all within three days, ready to search out new stories.

The temperatures hit ninety degrees today, so it’s not surprising to me that I had an urge to go the library. It’s a little different now. I live in Michigan, instead of an Ohio suburb. I drove to the library in my car, instead of riding my bicycle, and I had my purse over my shoulder, instead of my old brown backpack. There was still a sense of familiarity as I walked into the air-conditioned lobby of the library and headed up the stairs. And yes, I left the library with eight books and a smile.

Self Identifying

2007-06-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

When you fill out surveys, take a new job, etc…, you are often asked to self-identify. There is generally a list of race classifications for you to choose from - White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, etc… Have I told you how often I fight the urge to choose the “Other” box? I always feel like I am skewing their data because I’m not ethnically Asian, but it’s the only logical place for me to choose.

Personally, I’ve never had much of an identity crisis. Being a Korean adoptee is a part of me that I wouldn’t trade. The problem I have is that I never feel like I’m truly representing myself on these surveys. The logical part of me knows that there is just no way to represent every possible combination of ethnicity and upbringing, but just once it would be nice if I could check a box that truly described me.

I will most likely never find a box that says “Korean/American/Irish/German Daughter/Wife/Mother.”

Ethica and Gay/Lesbian Adoption

2007-06-04T19:58:00.001-04:00

When I was on Third Mom’s site, I saw that she had a post about an adoption ethics conference that is being sponsored by Ethica and the Evans B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in Washington D.C. this October. This sounds like a fascinating event and it is definitely one of those rare times that I wish I lived closer to the hub of U.S. politics.

Above and beyond that, I realized that I hadn’t taken a look at the Ethica website in awhile so I hopped over to check things out. Front and center on the site was a link called “Ethica's Position on Legislative Proposals to Ban Gay Adoption/Foster Care” and, because this is an issue that I am particularly interested in, I had to check out what they had to say.

They start out by explaining that there are 15 states currently trying to establish legislation to keep someone (who happens to be gay or lesbian) from adopting and goes on to list the reasons that they can’t support these actions. My favorite is their number three reason… “No politician, religious leader, policy group or voter has the right to malign or judge any family who actively supports America’s children unless they have fostered or adopted themselves, and have actively participated in recruiting 500,000 parents to care for each and every child in American’s foster system. There should be no discussion about “better” parents when so many children have no parents at all.”

I have to say that I have never understood why so many people think that someone’s sexual orientation has anything to do with being a parent or a foster parent. Just as families touched by Korean adoption often complain that people only see what they want to see and don’t bother to take the time to see what’s really there, I think that many people get all tripped up by their own preferences and forget that this is a big world full of wonderfully different people. A marriage made of a man and a woman does not automatically equal perfect parents (witnessed in the news reports of abuse, neglect and incompetence), so why should it be a natural assumption that a “non-traditional family” is somehow imperfect. There is my soapbox speech for the day.
(Everyone is, of course, welcome to respectively disagree.)

Three Girls From Korea

2007-06-03T10:01:00.000-04:00

I found this article the other day and wanted to share. It’s about three little girls who were adopted from Korea. They met because their parents joined an adoption support group and they grew up together. The article is their stories. It was a little more than the typical 300 word essay about Korean adoption and family.

Adoptee Rights

2007-06-02T10:57:00.000-04:00

Though this isn’t really specific to Korean adoptees, it is still an important subject for everyone touched by adoption. Though I’ve mentioned in the past that I have not had an urge to search out my birth parents, I saw this post on the Transracial Korean Adoptee Nexus and thought that I would share.

The fact that there is a call for a national protest for adoptee rights is interesting to me. It’s a sign that adoptees and their supporters are gaining a voice. You watch how groups start (whether they are supporting the environment, animal rights, civil rights…) and you see that at first there are just a few people, then a dozen, then one hundred, etc… until there is a group large enough that their whisper becomes a roar.

I walk in odd place when it comes to adoptee rights. I find that I am equally sensitive to the rights of each member of the triad (adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents). There is no way that any member of the triad will get everything that they want without trampling on the rights of one of the other groups. It’s one of those issues that are so full of grays that I suspect people will be hashing it out for many many decades to come.

I have only one place in the adoptee rights that I refuse to bend. When the birth parents are a known entity, I think that it is an adoptee’s right to have a medical history and it is the birth parents’ responsibility to make sure their child has one.

Knowing They Are There

2007-05-31T21:43:00.000-04:00

Well, we’ve been on vacation for the last few days. We went to Put-in-Bay, Ohio on South Bass Island with my parents. I took my laptop and considered writing a post, but then decided that that defied the purpose of vacation so I took a break.

My husband prefers that we take vacations on off-times. Put-in-Bay is generally jumping over Memorial Day (though this year they had rain), but we chose to go on Tuesday and leave Thursday. Most of the time, I don’t mind the fact that we go when things are slow (no lines or huge crowds to fight with a three year old), but what I miss is the chance to people watch and watch my son’s reaction to the people. I like to see families from all over the country (and sometimes all over the world) moving through tourist attractions and stores. On this vacation, we were almost the only ones at each location.

One of the things that I always look for are families like mine. I look for Caucasian families and little Asian children. Generally, I see at least one family like mine (though I never know if the children are Korean, Chinese, etc…). This trip, I didn’t see one…not even at our stop at Cedar Point. While we were driving home, I realized that I was a little disappointed.

On a day to day basis, it doesn’t really concern me if I see a family with an Asian adoptee or not. On vacations and day trips, I am always looking. I think that it gives me a feeling of companionship when I’m not on my home territory. Even if I never meet them, I know they are there.

Miss Japan is Crowned

2007-05-29T06:52:00.000-04:00

I’m not much of a pageant watcher, but I did see this morning that Miss. Japan won the Miss Universe pageant. I am always conscious of the fact that it is good for our adoptees (especially girls) to see this happen. As much as I avoid the pageants, it is good for them to see that there is beauty in Asian features. Despite changing times, the media and the entertainment industry is still predominantly a Caucasian world.

Take note: Miss Korea was the third runner up. Not bad for the Asian continent.

Adoption in Korea

2007-05-26T09:53:00.000-04:00

I found an article on the washingtonpost.com about adoption in Korea. It’s all about the problems that Korea faces as they try to convince Koreans to adopt. I am hopeful that things are changing, but the more practical part of my brain wonders why people seem to think that centuries of conditioning can be changed over night.

The second part of the article is about the incentives that the Korean government is offering in order to entice people to adopt. I have to say that the more I read about these, the more worried I become. I am really worried that these incentives are going to attract the wrong kind of people - the kind of people that are more interested in the gains than the children. We’ll have to wait and see.

Link: South Korea’s Troubled Export

A One Blog Woman

2007-05-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

As of today, I am no longer the Korean adoption blogger for adoptionblogs.com. Though I loved writing the posts there, it was taking away from my time with my son…so I’m a one blog woman now. I’m going to make every attempt to update this blog with more regularity now.

Having Two Mothers

2007-05-19T20:39:00.000-04:00

I had every intention of writing about mothers on Mother’s Day, but I was too busy spending the time with my mother. Personally, I think this is the best excuse out there.

As a Korean adoptee, whenever mother’s day comes around, there is no way to forget that I have two mothers out there. I have my mother and my birth mother. My son also has a mother and a birth mother.

My mother is the one who raised me, occasionally drives me crazy and made me who I am. I don’t like to use the term “adoptive mother” when talking about my mother. Mostly, I feel that it’s an unnecessary label. When it comes to Mother’s Day, she’s the first and last mother that I think of and I doubt that will ever change. She was the steady part of my childhood (and adulthood) and the reason that I remain grounded in everything that I do. No matter what happened, she was there.

Mother’s Day is also a day that I think about my birth mother. As mothers (and fathers), I think that it is our responsibility to make sure that Mother’s Day is also about birth mothers. For some children, talking about birth mothers would seem like a taboo subject on Mother’s Day. Here you are celebrating the mother that you love and that has raised you, but you are thinking about the other mother that made everything possible. The child does not want to make the mother feel bad by mentioning someone else. Guilt often rears its ugly head and discussions that should take place, don’t take place.

In my case, I never felt that guilt and that perhaps is what makes my mother the first and the last. Though she didn’t know much about my birth mother, my birth mother was always an open topic. I wasn’t a child that dwelled on my birth mother much (and I sometimes feel a little guilt about that), but I think that part of my comfort was knowing that I could talk about my birth parents at any time. There was an open door and I knew that if I needed to talk about my birth mother on Mother’s Day, my mother would be there to listen.

So, in the tradition of mothers and daughters, I strive to emulate what she has taught me. I have to say that it won’t be hard for me to talk with my son about his birth parents. While I don’t think of my own birth parents as often as some do, I find that I think about my son’s birth parents with some regularity. Just as my mother didn’t push me to explore the concept of birth parents, I won’t push my son, but I will make sure that he knows that the door is always open.

Bears for Waiting Children

2007-05-03T19:44:00.000-04:00

Please pass the word. The Joint Council of International Children’s Services (JCICS) has been chosen by Build-A-Bear Workshops for their international awareness effort. It’s called Stuffed With Hugs: Hugs Sweet Hugs. On Saturday, May 19, 2007, you can go to any Build-A-Bear Workshop in the country and build free bears for children (all over the world) who are waiting for homes.

Below are links to the JCICS website and the Build-A-Bear Workshop Location finder.

http://www.jcics.org/babw.htm
http://www.buildabear.com/aboutUs/contactUs/findastore/

Join my family and build a bear for a waiting child.

We Are Individuals - Not Experts

2007-04-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

I struggled with this post because a part of me wanted to write about Virginia Tech, but I think that Virginia Tech needs to be put to rest now – not forgotten, just allowed to rest. So, instead, I decided to write about a problem that I have. The problem is that many people seem to think that because I am a Korean adoptee, I am an expert on Korean adoption. On the contrary, sometimes, I think that I am just as clueless as the rest of the world.

The truth is that if you put five Korean adoptees in a different room and you asked us all the same question, you would probably get five different answers. I know that parents want to be able to find answers. I’m a parent of a Korean adoptee and I would love to have the manual. You can’t paint all of us with the same brush.

On the message boards that I watch (and unfortunately do not have much time to comment on) I see prospective parents posting about things that they read on the Korean adoptee board all the time. If they are shocked and upset about it, they start second guessing the decision that they’ve made to adopt. If they enjoyed it, many seem to feel that their decision was the right one. Once the adoption has happened, it continues…the ups and downs that our posts create.

I have people writing to me saying things like “thank you, for your positive posts” and “it’s nice to know that you are happy.” I’m glad that I’m happy too. I am not happby because I was adopted though. I am just happy to be me and to have the life that I have. Since most of the people who read my blogs and post to these message boards have school age children, all I can say is that you’ll have to wait and see what happens. I’m right there with you. When you are reading my posts or another Korean adoptee’s post, don’t try to transfer those brush strokes to your child and I think there will be less disappointment on all sides.

In the Korean American News

2007-04-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

It’s everywhere. I’ve tried to make sure that when I watch or listen that I’m not forgetting that it’s all about the people. Get past the sensationalism and the gimmicks that everyone uses to make sure you tune into their program and not the competitors. I listen to NPR every morning and evening during my work commute and tonight I started wondering how the Asian American media was looking at the tragedy at Virginia Tech so I logged onto New America Media (one of my favorites).

Andrew Lam wrote an article called “Let It Be Some Other Asian.” He wrote how no one wanted the Asian to be their origin (Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, etc…). I remember when I first heard that the dead shooter was Asian. I had similar thoughts and a little guilt for having the thought in the first place. I also remember feeling a little angry as I listened to the news. What did it matter if the shooter was Asian? He was obviously unstable and he was obviously dead…so how did his being Asian change the story?

In another article, “Hurt, Sad…Koreans React to Virginia Tech Shootings,” I was appalled at some of the things that I read there. It made me sad (like the article suggests) and it made me a little wary.

Korean media in Washington, D.C. reported that a majority of Korean businesses had closed early following Cho's identification. A report in the Chosun Daily noted that Korean students at Virginia Tech locked themselves inside their dorm rooms, too afraid to come out. The same report stated that some Koreans had even begun preparing to leave the country.

As soon as I heard the news, I had prepared myself for the most common comments. I was prepared for the “those people” comments and the racial slurs. This is something that I have unfortunately had to learn, but the level of the fear that would lead people to lock themselves in rooms and even leave the country awed me. It made me wonder briefly if I wasn’t worried enough. I do worry that there are some people that aren’t able to separate the shooter from where he was born. It’s sad that if the shooter had been a White Virginian, no one would ever speculate that everyone would hate all Virginians.

Robert Siegel from All Things Considered on NPR said it well for me. Listen to what he had to say today.

A Birthday Week

2007-04-04T15:39:00.001-04:00

I was telling my co-workers the other day that I really don’t know the exact day that I was born. This discussion generally brings a lot of questions. How don’t I know? What exactly does it mean? Does it bother me? If it bothered me I wouldn’t tell people about it. I’ve always thought that it was a quirky little fact about me that made for an interesting conversation.

I’ve had a whole variety of responses, but I received one that I really liked this time. “If you don’t know when your birthday is, then you could celebrate your birthday for a week.” A birthday week…I like that.

Are There Positive Stereotypes?

2007-03-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

No.

In high school, I had to take speech class. I didn’t want to take speech class, but it was a graduation requirement so I took speech class. We had to give an informative speech. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to inform anyone about and, even if I could, I didn’t want to inform my whole class about it. In the end, I chose to give a speech about stereotypes. It started something like this:

“I don’t like math. I do speak English. The chances of my knowing karate are about as good as Ronald Reagan becoming a Democrat.”

Someone recently pointed out to me that many of the Asian stereotypes are not as negative as some of the stereotypes about other groups (i.e. Black Americans, Hispanics, Muslims…). However, I looked back over the stereotypes that I’ve faced and I really couldn’t think of them as positive. Instead of assuming bad things about Asians, many of the stereotypes have to do with how Asians have high IQs and are better at certain tasks.

Stereotypes are dangerous. Even stereotypes like “all Asians have high IQs” are dangerous. They take away from the individual person and people can make harmful assumptions. People in Asia really do have the same general range of IQ scores as any other area. Some of the perceived difference may be cultural. Studies have shown that Asian families put a lot more pressure on their students than American parents do and the studies are much more rigorous. Would a child who is working as hard as he/she can be unfairly labeled as underperforming because of expectations shaped by stereotypes? This same stereotype has also led some groups to believe that Asians think they are better than other races. It may have even caused some Asians to believe they are better. You can never make a general statement that “all” Asians feel a certain way and have it be truth.

By nature, I am a very reserved. Consequently, I am also very quiet. There is a stereotype out there that suggests all Asian women are submissive. It’s amazing how many people are surprised when an Asian woman has a “take charge” attitude. People have often mistaken me to have a submissive demeanor. They don’t do that twice. However, I’ve also heard people call Asian women derogatory names when they assert themselves because it takes these people by surprise. It really shouldn’t anymore because, in recent years, I’ve noted that Asian women (at least in the United States) are really taking the world by storm.

I feel like I’m rambling because quite frankly this could be a book (and some people have written books about it) and I can’t say everything that I would like to in a short post. What concerns me is that sometimes I hear parents of Korean adoptees perpetuating some of these “positive” stereotypes. I’ve heard parents talk about their daughters as “China dolls” and that their son’s genetics suggests a career in mathematics. Even when they seem harmless, stereotypes place unreasonable expectations on our children.

So, let me reiterate, I don’t believe that a stereotype can be positive. Any time that we group people together by the way they look or where they come from, we create a dangerous precedent. It would be so much easier if we could look at everyone as an individual and base our expectations on what they do (instead of who they are).

Contemplating The New Year

2007-02-18T21:34:00.000-05:00

Every where I go on the web, the different groups are talking about the Korean New Year. There are parties and get-togethers all across the world. Despite all that, I can’t really get into the spirit of the holiday.

When I see these announcements, I often wonder if any of the adoptees in my son’s generation will feel like I do when I attend these events. Truthfully, I feel a little guilty sometimes that I don’t feel the connection. Nothing changes the fact that I am nothing more than a tourist at these events. I go to lunar new year parties and I am awed by the depth of the culture, but I don’t feel an inclination to make it mine.

Now that my son is in the picture, things have changed. I find myself seeking these events out with more regularity. Before his arrival, I tended to wait until they fell in my lap. After seeing how different I am from my sister, I would never presume that my son will follow in my footsteps. So, I will do my best to make sure he has access to bits and pieces of the Korean culture. If he decides one day the he wants entrench himself in his birth culture, I will be right there with him even though it’s not something that I can share.

I’ve never understood why people think that the Korean culture should be a part of my life just because I was born there. If I had been born in Georgia, but raised in Ohio, no one would expect me to embrace the southern culture. I am always interested in the Korean culture, but I will always be an observer.

Happy New Year OAKs and a great party! I hope that the year of the golden pig brings you all that you wish for. The years will carry us forward and I hope that all parents listen to what their children say. I expect that there will be some more adoptees out there who are like me, but most likely they will be themselves. I think it’s our job as parents to let them find out on their own.

Adopting Again

2007-02-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

One of my friends always says the following: When you are single, everyone wants to know when you are getting married. When you are married, everyone wants to know when you will have your first child. When you have your first child, everyone wants to know when you will have your second child. When you have a second child, everyone thinks you are crazy if you are going to have a third.

Yes, if you are wondering, J has three children. I am at the first child stage. Everyone wants to know if we’re going to adopt again.

If you read the other blog that I write for, you know that my husband and I went through a rather lengthy decision making process before deciding that we did want to adopt our second child. For quite some time, we couldn’t seem to be on the same page. Until my son turned two, I couldn’t even think of a second child without starting to shake. Learning to be a parent was taking up all of my brain power and I had to fight the urge to hyperventilate at the thought of a second child sliding into the mix.

Why do so many people assume that it is always an easy decision?

Family Trees & Korean Adoption

2007-01-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

Personally, I’ve never understood the issues surrounding family trees and Korean adoptees. The first time I had to do a project that required me to trace back my family history, I went home and asked my parents for help. It never occurred to me that I should use anything other than my adopted family. I had grown up on the stories that were told at every family gathering – about grandparents, uncles and aunts that I had never met before, but they were mine all the same. Not once did it occur to me that they didn’t belong on my family tree. Intellectually, I see where people are coming from…so I try very hard to think objectively when I’m talking about this topic.

I remember when an adoptive parent was really upset with her son’s teacher for assigning a family tree project. She was very upset because her son had no information (obviously) about his Korean family. My knee jerk reaction was to be pretty upset with the adoptive parent. To me, it felt as if she was implying that her family and her husband’s family weren’t her son’s family because he was adopted. In my mind, once you adopt a child, everything that is yours becomes theirs. It doesn’t matter where someone was born or how they became a part of your family.

After I was able to calm down a little, I realized that this probably wasn’t what the adoptive parent was trying to say. In fact, she would probably be horrified if she knew that’s what I took from it. As an adoptive parent, you have to try to figure out where it is necessary to acknowledge your child’s birth family and where it is not necessary. How much will that matter to your child in the future? I do think that we have to be careful how we approach the situation. If done incorrectly, a child could pick up the same incorrect conclusions that I made and feel as if they are not a part of the family.

When it’s my son’s turn to do a family tree project, I have the names of his birth mother and birth father. If he is okay with it, I think that I will probably have him include them in the tree. Because I was a found child, I don’t have that information even if I had wanted to include my birth parents. I think I probably would have. My sister would have been horrified by the very mention of the idea (thus reminding us that all Korean adoptees are different). We won’t know how my son will feel about the acknowledgement until he’s a little older. I won’t force the issue, but I’m definitely going to lay out the option. But then, that’s all we can really do…

What Did I Do In 2006?

2006-12-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

This year has really been a wonderful year (a little hectic), but wonderful. I have done more this year than I ever have been before. I have been proactive. I have learned more about Korea in the last ten months than I have in the thirty years before.

Someone asked me if all the new information that I learned about Korea and all of the web reading I’ve been doing has changed my perspective. It has and it hasn’t. I have learned to be a little more cognizant of the negative aspects of Korean adoption, but I see the positives in my life. I have recognized that there are Korean adoptees out there that are very anti-adoption, but I still stand firm that they don’t speak for me. I find Korean culture fascinating, but I do not regret the loss of the Korean culture in my life because I still do not feel that it is mine.

So, in 2006, I did learn. I learned new things and learned about other people’s perspectives. I also learned how strong I am and how comfortable I am with the person that I’ve come to be. Being a Korean adoptee does not define me, but it has enhanced me. It has given me an opportunity to share in many cultures and it guided me to my son.

Looking forward into the new year, I hope that I continue to learn and explore. I plan to write both on this blog and my other blog. I hope to grow. I plan to watch my son experience the world. I plan to revel in the fact that I can look back on 2006 without regrets and that I can welcome 2007 without fear.

Searching For Christmas

2006-12-20T20:10:00.000-05:00

My senior year of high school, I spent one winter evening ringing the bell for the Salvation Army. My friend C and I stood outside of the local supermarket, bundled up against the cold, but I don’t remember feeling that cold. We gossiped and laughed. At one point, we tried unsuccessfully to create a two person bell choir. It sounded pretty awful, but we attracted some attention and hopefully some donations.

Towards the end of our shift, more of my friends joined us. After C and I were relieved, we had plans to go to a local nursing home to sing Christmas carols. I can’t remember whose idea it was now or how the subject even came up, but it was our mission. I do know that the idea was ours – not a school project or a parent’s suggestion.

We piled into a few cars and off we went. Looking back, we were really a disorganized group. We had no music, order or plan, but we gave it our all. We marched down those institutional hallways – the kinds that are decorated to look like home, but don’t quite make the grade. We sang the songs we knew to the residents in the hallways and in the sitting rooms. Some joined in, some smiled, some clapped and some ignored us…

We were coming to the end of the last hallway and the door to one of the rooms was open. In our group, T was the son of a minister. We could forget that for long periods of time, but I saw a different part of him that night. While the rest of the evening we had just walked the halls, at this room he led us in. He had seen something that the rest of us hadn’t.

Inside the room, a whole family was gathered around a sleeping man. He was attached to many machines that softly beeped and pushed oxygen through failing lungs. You could feel how close to the end it was in the solemn expressions of the family in the room. There were no smiles in this room even though holiday decorations lined the walls.

“Silent Night. Holy Night. All is calm. All is bright.” We sang in hushed voices – almost a lullaby and then silently filed out of the room. We had no words, but I remember that one of the men had a smile for us as we walked out. Simple Gifts.

Fitting Korea Into My Holiday

2006-12-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

So, I’m sitting here at my computer wondering where Korea fits into my holiday. The truth is that it really never has. This season has always been a fast paced time full of music, parties, presents and food. I’ve flown from one thing to the next and I’ve been firmly in the here and now…I rarely stop to contemplate what was or what could be.

Other than the Korean police car that we bought my son at our adoption agency party, what do I have that represents where we came from? Nothing – zip, zero, zilch. I planned no Korean foods into the menus. I bought no Korean toys for the stocking. I have no Korean Christmas stories to read on Christmas Eve. Why is that?

It was really my mother-in-law that made feel a little guilty about that. At the adoption agency party, she bought a whole bunch of coloring books and reading books for my nieces and nephew. “They should know where he (my son) comes from,” she said. It made me realize how easily I could add little bits of Korea to the holidays.

I’ve always been reluctant to break traditions and “force” Korea down other people’s throats. ‘Tis the season…and perhaps I need to think a little harder about subtle ways to make people understand who we are. What harm does a coloring book do or a piece of Korean candy for the stocking?

I’m not saying that I am Korean. I really don’t believe that. However, I am of Korea and so is my son. Though I don’t claim the culture as mine, I do claim the birth place and it is always interesting to know where you came from.

Happy Holidays to everyone…I hope that the celebrations are spectacular, how ever you choose to celebrate.